Well that episode was a wild ride! Much wilder than the Catamaran trip Chris took Jessie on! But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. It’s important to start at the very beginning.

This episode was pivotal. As the last episode before hometowns, Chris had to make some hard decisions. A total of three contestants were eliminated, with the three remaining ladies poised to introduce the titular Bachelor to their parents.

As episode began, the week’s coveted one-on-one date went to Jessie. This selection was highly contentious, as it meant the plucky Stacy would be the only remaining competitor not to receive a solo date with Chris before hometowns. Needless to say, Stacy was miffed. I can’t blame her. I would be too! She’s devoted weeks of her life to dating this dude, living out of a suitcase, not allowed to use her cell phone, and every other girl has received a date but her! I would have started a Change.org petition or something, but Stacy is too chill to do that. Plus, her Bachelor Canada contract probably prohibits her from doing so.

While Stacy was dateless, Jessie’s date was not a success. The boat tour she and Chris embarked upon proved underwhelming. The former baseball player kept telling the cameras that Jessie just wasn’t physically affectionate enough for him. That’s seriously problematic, because physical affection is obviously Chris’ love language. Chris got so desperate for body contact while enjoying a swim with Jessie that he tried to pull her down into the ocean waters. I’m not exaggerating: he grabbed her by the foot. Then, instead of assuming Jessie just needed to breathe, he appeared affronted when she pulled away and swam toward the surface. Someone needs to remind Chris that Jessie’s not a mermaid; that was Lisa!

Anyway, Jessie did admit to being something of a “porcupine” when it comes to cuddling. She made out with Chris at dinner, but only once. Apparently Chris needs a girl who’ll make out with him several times a meal.

Next came time for the group date. I am not being hyperbolic when I say this was the weirdest group date in Bachelor Canada history. Mikaela, Stacy and Lyndsey were tasked with creating sand sculptures on the beach. And not only that, they had to be sand sculptures of Chris! I’m not sure how making a retired Baseball player-shaped sandcastle proves one’s love and fealty, but the winner got some extra alone time with Chris anyway (the human Chris, not the weird sand sculpture version).

In a narratively convenient turn of events, it was Stacy who won the sand sculpture competition. I’m not sure how hers was superior to the other ladies’. I honestly detected no difference whatsoever in quality between the three Sand Chrises. But whatever! I went with it because Stacy deserved some time to shine.

During their poolside alone time, Chris quizzed twenty-something Stacy on her single status. Stacy has never had a serious boyfriend before, which is something Chris could not comprehend. When asked why she’s never had a beau, Stacy articulately explained that she’s not “looking for Prince Charming.” She’s not single because she has unrealistic standards and an idealistic outlook on love. No, the twenty-five year old is single because she’s spent the past few years “finding herself through travel.” Instead of being tied down by a man, she’s been exploring the world! I’m not sure why Chris was so suspicious of this, but he acted like Single Stacy was an oddity akin to a dolphin riding a motorcycle or something. I guess Chris must be a serial monogamist.

By contrast to Chris’ confusion, I thought Stacy’s years of travel sounded like an awesome idea. I cheered her on from my couch, shouting, “You go, girl! Boys will always be there, but your back won’t be able to handle those sketchy European hostile mattresses past age twenty-seven.” Yes, I may have had a glass or two of wine from the bottle of Two Oceans I received in a promotional Bachelor Canada gift basket. It was quite good. I now see why the ladies are frequently seen enjoying a bottle during their downtime.

After Chris’ lackluster dates with Jessie and Stacy, it came time for the most controversial (and uncomfortable) date this season: the two-on-one. The two-on-one date happens only once a season, and with good reason! It is stressful AF. I don’t just mean it’s stressful for the girls who get chosen; it was stressful for me to view, too. As a reality TV recapping professional, the two-on-one date is always the low point of my year. Yes, I realize how privileged that makes me.

Kait and Catie were the two women selected for this year’s most dreaded date. It’s dreaded because one woman gets eliminated during the outing. So yeah, it’s exactly as awkward as it sounds.

For her part, Catie was confused about why she was chosen for a two-on-one. Every fan of the franchise knows it’s not usually something for which the Bachelor chooses women he’s really into. That fact rattled Catie, because she had never before doubted their connection. The poor girl spent the hour leading up to the date in tears, weeping over the possibility of going home without Chris. Kait seemed equally baffled about being selected, but she was more stoic and reserved about it. She did not shed a single tear, thus solidifying the contrasting personalities of these two ladies.

The Kait/Catie dichotomy was played up throughout the date. The contrast between them was visually symbolized when Kait showed up wearing black, while Catie sported a white romper. The ladies sort of looked like a couple dressed up as the Yin and the Yang for Halloween, which I actually think is a really good idea for a couples’ costume. More people should do it!

Chris was torn between the women in question, because Kait and Catie are so different. Catie is an effervescent, high-energy lawyer who likes to meditate. She wears her heart on her sleeve and feels deeply for Chris. In contrast, Kait is a cool-as-a-cucumber bohemian who stays at fancy hotels for a living. (I’m not being snarky. That sounds like an awesome job, and frankly, I’m jealous.)

So, how do you decide between the even-keeled Kait and the effervescent Catie? You go with your gut! Chris asked himself who he envisioned himself with in fifty years’ time, and the answer was everyone’s favourite lawyer/meditation coach, Catie. Obviously, as someone who took high school Canadian history with Catie, I was happy for her. Since it looks like Chris has a Canadian Confederation tattoo (did you see that “1867” on his clavicle?), I believe they are soul mates. He’s exactly the sort of historically literate man our Grade 12 history teacher would have wanted us to end up with. Maybe they can tour the Plains of Abraham together on their honeymoon! At the same time, it was really sad to see Kait get left alone, crying on a mountaintop in the Dominican Republic. The two-on-one date is a cruel beast.

As always, the episode capped off with The Rose Ceremony. It came as a surprise to absolutely no one that Stacy and Jessie were the ones who went home. They’re awesome, classy women, but they had less chemistry with Chris than I had with my middle school boyfriend. They just weren’t meant to be. Having said that, I’m sad Stacy got eliminated. I really wanted her to get a hometown date, because I’m a child of the oughts and I’ll take any excuse to make “Stacy’s Mom” references. I wonder if she’s “got it going on?” Get it? I’m still grieving for all the clever jokes I’ll never get to tell.

Until next week, dear readers! I for one cannot wait to watch Chris get grilled by a bunch of skeptical Canadian parents. Judging by the preview, it’ll be more agro than a match between The Montreal Canadiens and the Toronto Maple Leafs.