Dear Jennifer,

As a teenager I was totally happy to fly by the seat of my pants and hope that things would work out in the end (and lucky for me, they usually did), but when I struck out on my own and moved away to go to university, I developed some pretty awesome time management skills, probably more out of necessity than personal preference. 5 years later and knee deep in graduate studies, I think time management and planning has actually taken over my life, to the point that I’m unable to sleep because I’m worrying not only about how to get all my work done in the upcoming weeks, but what to do with my apartment and eventual move in June. I’ve been really materially successful with this new attitude towards my life (my grades are great, I’ve been getting good work experience and networking opportunities), but even things I like are starting to stress me out, like when to go to the gym or planning how to meet up with my friends.

I know complete spontaneity doesn’t work in an adult life with bills and responsibilities, but this is getting out of hand. Worst of all, it’s starting to affect my ability to relax and have fun when I really need the down time, and I think it’s taking a toll on my relationship with my boyfriend, who I’m moving in with at the end of the school year. I just I’m scared that graduation’s going to send me into a complete existential panic, since I’m already stressed about my lack of job or housing plan. How do I find a happy medium here? How do I get the fun back in my life without losing my momentum?

Help!

-Overwhelmed and Underslept

Dear Overwhelmed and Underslept,

I hear what you are saying, time management and planning has been a huge asset to you and has helped you to achieve some great things in the past few years. It can be uncomfortable to let go of certain behaviours when they have served you in so many ways. Doing the same thing repeatedly each day becomes a pattern, a safe feeling, you feel more in control and it’s predictable. It can be uncomfortable to step into unknown territory.

Just as you made the transition from high school to university to graduate studies – a new transition begins and as a result you begin to make changes. Transitions are often uncomfortable and you may experience many feelings, attitudes, and behaviours – these are normal responses to the stress created by the changes. School has been consistent for you and now that you are transitioning into a whole new chapter of your life, this can cause much anxiety, fear and a wide range of feelings to arise.

Here are some tips that can help you take control back and create more of what you want:

First off, acknowledge yourself for recognizing that you want more balance and fun in your life and for reaching out for support. Awareness is key. If you can’t see it or feel it, you can’t heal it. When you are aware of your patterns, you are already along your way. You are clear with your behaviours and know what you want to bring into your life. Now it’s about taking small steps and being gentle and patient with yourself in the process.

Monitor Your Self Talk – watch what you are telling yourself

Our self-talk is the way we interpret the world and give meaning to events and ourselves. What we are saying to ourselves has a profound influence on our feelings about ourselves, our moods, our behaviours, and our roles as girlfriend/student/employee/friend etc. The meaning we chose to give and the thoughts we choose to think reflect the way that we feel. If we continue to think worrying thoughts, we will continue to feel anxious and fearful, and if we choose to think hopeful, empowering thoughts, then we will feel more balanced and grounded.

What types of messages are you sending yourself: Are they critical? Are they self-deprecating or put-downs? Are they encouraging? Are they realistic? Are they self-defeating?

It is helpful to reframe your thoughts and look for a more positive way of viewing the situation. For example: If you say, ”I’m scared that graduation’s going to send me into a complete existential panic, since I’m already stressed about my lack of job or housing plan”, take a breath and reframe. Here is an example: I have more than 6 months to find a job and housing. I am going to start taking small steps to get there. It will all work itself out. I might have some overwhelming feelings during graduation and I will help myself get through the feelings and it will all be okay.

You might also want to identify times when your negative self-talk is false or overly harsh. For instance, instead of saying: “I’ll never get through this”, or “I am going to panic,” remind yourself that there are things you can do to manage the transition and that starting with small steps can really help. Remind yourself of past events when you coped even better than you expected, perhaps when you started school. Remind yourself of the wisdom you’ve gained over the years.

Watch your thoughts and how they affect the way you feel. Our thoughts create our feelings which, in turn create our behaviours and actions.

Notice that you are feeling stressed and dive in anyway

This is a time of trial and error: finding a new balance, learning what now works and what doesn’t. When you have been living on a tight schedule for a long time, it can feel very uncomfortable to do something different. Honour your feelings and plunge in anyways. By taking risks and doing different things, you will begin to see where your new equilibrium needs to be. Play around with it – find a happy medium. Don’t be afraid to take risks or make mistakes. In order to find that new balance, you must try a new way of being and trust that everything will fall into place.

Praise yourself

Often we focus on what we need to do, what we’re not doing, etc. Spend time praising yourself for taking each step. Praise yourself for writing this letter to me. Also, note that when making changes to your current routine, things that appear to be so simple like meeting up with friends or going to the gym can seem very daunting as you have been accustomed to what is. Be gentle with yourself. Acknowledge your feelings and take tiny steps. Know that you are transitioning and it is all part of the process and acknowledge yourself for making the effort and taking the steps.

Ask For Support – Reach Out To Others

Reach out to your friends, teachers, your boyfriend and ask for support. Perhaps, your boyfriend can help you in the housing search, and friends and teachers can help you brainstorm possible job opportunities. You might even want to ask one of your friends to hold you accountable and join you in doing one fun thing a week.

In conclusion, be gentle, kind and patient with yourself. Take care of your needs and acknowledge yourself for each step you take. Watch your thoughts and how they affect the way you feel. Have an open mind, be willing to embrace new and creative ideas and trust that you will create a new equilibrium all in perfect sequence.