How to Hook Up, by Never Doing Anything that I Would Do

While relationships aren’t impossible in university, I realized when I entered the singles scene that we are truly in a culture of the hook up. Untamed libidos and whiskey shots invariably lead to pairings no one could have foreseen at the outset of the night. Hooking up is definitely fun, but the no-strings spirit of these often-brief liaisons can lead to complications or awkwardness if you’re not careful. I’ve come to realize that there is a way to hook up right, and that my instincts are the exact antithesis of what one ought to do. That being said, here’s what not to do when hooking up.

Don’t assume the hook up will lead to anything else. Hooking up with somebody you have feelings for can be dangerous, because hooking up is intrinsically casual. If you want something more than just sex, don’t be hasty about business time because there’s a good chance you’ll get hurt.

Don’t be the other woman/man. Though naughty and fun, it makes you feel like a jerk. Plus it’s super awkward when you run into John and Jackie together; nobody wants to be a used-up Marilyn when the First Lady is around.

Avoid bedding your friends. This is a particularly hard rule to follow, but nothing messes up a friendship like sex. Drunken hook-ups rarely lead to anything but a weird friends-with-benefits situation and these benefits don’t include medical for when your heart gets mashed up.

Avoid bedding their friends. For the love of God, don’t hook up with the best friend of a previous hook up, they’re going to compare notes and it makes you look cheap.

Don’t avoid them when you see them on campus. This may seem obvious, but because I have the maturity of a five-year-old I typically avoid past hook-ups, who I fondly call my “ghosts of Christmases past”. That being said, if you see your Friday night fling at the library Sunday night, the best thing to do is give a breezy hello. I am still trying to master this elusive art of breeze.

Do make sure you know their name. If you realize while you’re making out that you can’t remember their name, it’s time to step back and assess the situation before going further. It’s bad news bears to have to check their cable bill in the morning to figure out once and for all if it was Phil or Paul that you made sweet love to last night.

Do always use protection, absolutely, no matter what. I know we were all raised on Degrassi and understand the importance of using condoms, but this needs to be said. It’s one thing if you’re in a monogamous relationship and prefer to be unsheathed, it’s quite another if you’re just hooking up. I know I have a somewhat hindered mental capacity when I drink, so plan ahead if you’re going to get brainless and bring a few condoms with you.

I’d like to hope that I’m starting to learn from my mistakes, and it’s even better if someone else can too. Next time you go out, remember to pair your thinking cap with those party pants, and don’t do anything I would do.