We’re all guilty of it. We say things we don’t really mean because we’ve learned to read through the lines of our best friends and romantic partners. It’s a secret lingo spawned from 2+ years living in the city. A collection of phrases that bear no reality in the real messages we’re trying to convey. Regardless of whatever you’re trying to say, if you live in Toronto, love to group text, drink $4 Sangria, complain about society and crowd-source confidence, these are all the things you’re probably saying but don’t really mean.

1. “I’m on my way.”

Bullshit. You’re not. You probably just had a shower and you’re sitting on the couch watching Game of Thrones. In Toronto, this means that you’re thinking about getting ready while drinking wine and cruising Instagram. You’re taking your time, and while everyone is supposed to meet at Bar Raval in thirty minutes, you know deep down that you’ve got plenty of time to spare. “I’m on my way” literally means that your ETA is anywhere from one to three hours, depending on how quickly you call the Uber. But don’t worry, everyone is fully aware that you’re not actually on your way. Because nobody is. And we have to remind each other prior to dinner, because all we want in this world is to magically arrive at the EXACT same time, so we can sit down and avoid awkward solo table time. We all know how much it supremely sucks being the first one to arrive for a table of six. Ugh.

2. “See you around.”

In Toronto’s too-cool shitty dating world, this means that I’m never going to see you again. It’s over. Done. Bye forever. Your half-boner didn’t impress me and now I feel awkward and I don’t want to be mean about it, so I’ll be friendly like a cardigan-wearing neighbour and be vague and cool and chill in my final goodbye. The reality is that if anyone in Toronto says, “See you around” after sex, it’s game-over. It’s another way of walking away while simultaneously saying to yourself, “I’m mentally erasing the last few hours because I was very drunk and now I can’t find my earring and I’m never going to see that earring again.” RIP $2 earring from CLAIRE’S. I hope they’re still on sale when I replace them next week.

3. “I’m never drinking again.”

Lies. All lies. We all say this. I’m never drinking tequila again. I’m never mixing wine and whisky. I’m never going out on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday–EVER AGAIN. Uh huh. We text this leisurely into group chat with an emoji of a gun, cigarette and the face that looks constipated and teary-eyed. We hate ourselves and our bodies. We want to feel like we did yesterday–full of kale and sunshine. But no, you decided to pre-drink wine, throw back a few whisky shots, smoke two skinny cigarettes with a stranger outside Get Well, then drink another beer to keep your hand busy while chatting up an engineer that really loves this underground rap group called Tribe Called Quest? The truth is, next weekend, we’ll do the exact same thing over again. Drinking hurts. But we do it anyways. “Never” actually means, “Let’s try this again in five days when I overcome this hangover.”

4. “I can’t. I’m too busy.”

In case you haven’t noticed, everyone in the city works too much. Most women have a full-time job, a part-time job, income-generating hobbies and more. EVERYONE IS BUSY. Nobody is not busy. If you consider yourself not busy, then you’re not living in the right city. Nobody has time for anything. We do have a little bit of time–we’re just pickier about the things we want to do in our spare time. So we use this excuse to protect ourselves from a hangout that’s not worth our time. It also doubles as a last-minute ditch excuse. For me, “I’m too busy” means I would rather save money, read a book or paint my nails while watching some fucked up documentary about antibiotic resistance or The Central Park 5. Catch the hint and leave these people alone if someone tells you this–they don’t want to hang out with you (right now).

5. “I’m broke.”

No, I haven’t declared bankruptcy if that’s what you’re thinking. This means that it’s the end of the month and I only have $150 left in my chequing account. It also means that I accidentally spent $100 on a new flat iron, $200 on a new iPod and now need to remedy my spending splurge by showing self-control and texting “I’m broke” to my friends who want to brunch. Truth is, nobody is broke. We want to spend big on the things that make us feel good, but less on the stuff that’s easy to cut down on, like expensive breakfast, brunch, dinner and cranberry covered goat cheese. This is also a subtle way to say, “Let’s go to your house, drink wine and dance there instead of spending money at the bar tonight.”

6. “Current mood: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯”

According to The Atlantic, this shrug symbol isn’t what you think. It’s “a Zen-like tool to accept the chaos of universe.” Basically, it’s a very casual distress signal that you’re likely facing some sort of incomprehensible depression that therapy isn’t fixing. Don’t take this lightly. It’s everywhere on the Internet. If you ask me, if depression had a symbol, this would be it. If you see this, call this person immediately and tell this person that you love them and you’re there for them. It’s a red flag that’s often confused with feeling “blah,” “meh,” or “ugh.”

7. “Nobody listens.”

This is true. Nobody is listening. We’re all waiting for the other person to talk so we can say something totally irrelevant and make it relatable to something in our life. Most conversations don’t even make logical coherent sense in Toronto, but we know that and it feels good to talk to ourselves in public proximity to another human being who’s a friend. Toronto conversations are actually two people having dialogue with themselves in front of each other. Example:

James: “I hate everyone.”

Sarah: “I know. Me too, bb. Almond milk is on sale at FreshCo!”

James: “Lol. I can’t wait for work to be over.”

Sarah: “Ugh, I think I need a haircut.”

James: “I’m never drinking again.”

Sarah: “Want to go for drinks at Rhum Corner on Wednesday?”

James: “Deal. Is it too cold to wear shorts right now?”

Sarah: “I need to buy a bike. IMAGE ATTACHMENT: Screen grab weather.”

James: “I’m hungry.”

Sarah: “Mmmm. I need a day off.”

8. “I guess (…)”

I’ve been let down. Whoever this person is, they’ve made me feel like an expired bottle of cold-pressed juice and they’ve disappointed me and I secretly hate them for doing that. The extra (…) is used strategically to show that I have a lot of other things I want to say, but I’m not prepared to articulate my feelings right now, so I’d much rather be short and non-specific about how I truly feel to protect myself from getting hurt any more than I already have. The overall sentiment is supposed to resonate like an innocent little kid who’s “trying” to understand but can see through the bullshit, like the cute little girl in Blue Valentine who knows her dog is dead, but nods her head anyway when Ryan Gosling tells her that the missing Golden Retriever went to Hollywood to start her acting career. Sad face.

9. “Sorry. My phone died last night.”

Ha. No it didn’t. That’s impossible. No matter where you are, there’s a charger. In Toronto, we don’t smile at strangers, but we will give them our chargers because we get it: if your phone is dead, you can’t sext, Instagram, check your Twitter, email bosses, whatever. You’re incapable. It’s in the last 10% that things become extremely serious–while the first 90% of the iPhone battery seems to last less than ten minutes, the last 10% prevailing for ten hours. And because of this, we collectively lend, share and borrow one another’s chargers like heroes. We feel really good about it, too. That said, if someone says their phone died last night, it means they successfully avoided you and now need to provide a reason why they ignored twelve of your desperate texts last night. They may even feel a little bit bad about it, too.

10. “I’m not looking for anything right now.”

Then what the fuck are you looking for? A cat? Lucky Charms? A rainbow? Are you wandering the planet searching for nothingness, disparity and loneliness? Are your eyes closed? Happy to wander into oblivion with no agenda, zero commitment, no watch, no nothing? In short, this means that they don’t mind you, want to fuck you, but don’t want to eat brunch with you after having sex. They’re not looking for anything, alright? Cool your flames. It’s a 3+ fuck with zero communication after that. Maybe there’s a free coffee in this offer, but it’s cheap. They probably got dumped or they don’t feel the “I want to hang out with you for longer than four hours” butterfly feeling. This basically describes everyone in Toronto until they fall in love with someone else and go ape-shit crazy only to hear, “I’m not looking for anything right now” from the person they want to be with for longer than a brunch. Classic modern romance. It makes me sick!