Dear Jenn,

I’ve recently gotten myself wrapped up in a fantastic relationship with a fantastic guy. He’s everything I could ever want, except he wants to hang out all the time. Even when I just want to hang out with my friends, he always tags along. I love having him around, but I feel like my relationship with my friends is growing distant. He doesn’t have many friends in the city and I don’t know how to let him know that I need a break, without making it sound like a “break.” And how do I get my friends back?
Thanks so much!
-Dazed and Confused

The beginnings of relationships can be super exciting and many of us initially immerse ourselves in them and then bang … the brake goes on, reality sets in and our needs need to be re-evaluated. What you are experiencing is normal. It sounds like you need a bit of a boundary adjustment.

First off, it’s time to define a new normal and set some boundaries with him. How much time do you want to spend with him? How much is too much? How much time do you need with your friends? How much time do you need doing “you” things and having “you” time? Get clear on what your needs are and how much time is too much. You may have to adjust this a few times until you find what feels right for both of you.

Be honest and communicate with him. Tell him how you are feeling and what you need for this relationship to work. You want to continue with him and in order for it to work for you, you need some more space and you need time to spend with your friends sans him. If you continue to bring him out with your friends, he won’t have the motivation to meet new ones and you will just feel more and more resentful.

We teach people how to treat us. It is so important to communicate because he might not know what you need and it is impossible for him to meet your needs if he doesn’t know what they are. Speaking our truth and expressing our needs can feel scary or uncomfortable because we do not know how the other person will react and it sounds like you don’t want to lose him, however, it is imperative to communicate if you want the relationship to work. Honesty and speaking from your heart is the best policy.

Where your friends are concerned, be honest and tell them how you are feeling and how you have realized that you want to spend more time with them without your guy. You might even want to tell them how much they mean to you and how you value their friendship.

It’s great that you are noticing how you are feeling so that you can make some adjustments. The more you take care of yourself and allow for your needs to be met, the more you will be able to be there for him, your friends and yourself and in turn, the time you do spend with him, your friends and on your own will feel much better for all concerned.