Thirty, Single and Unsatisfied

Submitted by taylor on Mon, 01/18/2010 - 17:19.

Dear Jenn,

-Out Of Sorts

Dear Out of Sorts,

The first thing I want you to do is put your hand over your heart and take 3 slow deep breaths.

BREATHE....... BREATHE........ BREATHE.

Before you can think clearly or listen to your heart, you must allow yourself to center and be grounded in your body.

Thank you for sharing yourself in this letter as I am sure that it speaks to many others out there! Feeling stuck, desperate and frustrated are normal feelings and we all experience them. It is what we do with them and how we learn from them that matters!

OK - so you’ve just turned 30 and it seems you are about to embark on a new transition, a new chapter in your life. A time when we begin to let go of the old, in order for the new to come in. This is a time to re-evaluate what is important to you and what is not and to re-direct your attention where you want it to be. Everything you are feeling is completely normal. I too have times of similar feelings, wondering what the hell am I doing, where is my life going, feeling stuck and confused. What I have learned is that these times are excellent opportunities for us to take a step back, give ourselves some love, re-evaluate our lives, give ourselves some love, connect with what is important to us, give ourselves some love and then begin to take steps toward an inspiring future and of course give ourselves some more love.

Although, beating ourselves up and worrying about the future is a learned and automatic response that we may feel is helpful, it is actually is what keeps us stuck. These feelings are not comfortable and most of us try and push them away because we aren’t taught the benefit of feeling our uncomfortable feelings. However, if you allow yourself to feel what you are feeling and move through the feelings without pushing them away, I can assure you from my own experience that these feelings bear a beautiful gift.

Here’s what I suggest:

Allow yourself to experience what you are feeling, acknowledge what is coming up for you and express the feelings as you have done so by writing to me. Perhaps, do some journaling around this, listening to music, go for a walk in nature and allow yourself to feel and express the feelings in a healthy way. Once the feelings and thoughts have been expressed, you are able to reframe and look at the situation through a new, more centered set of eyes.

Now let’s work with your thoughts. I hear that you are frustrated and you don’t want to go on like this, however, making yourself wrong and beating yourself up is not going to help you. Begin by looking at the good in your life right now. You may feel some resistance to this idea, allow yourself to feel the resistance, acknowledge it and breathe and move through it. Then ask yourself, what is the gift of being single and 30? What does it allow you to do? What is right about your job? What do you like about it? How can you bring more fun and joy to it? When we look for what is wrong in our lives and beat the crap out of ourselves, we perpetuate pain and misery and it makes it very difficult to see any light at the end of the tunnel. When we look for what is right and how we can add more joy to it, our mood lifts immediately and we open ourselves to new opportunities.

Re-read what you have written and then notice how these thoughts make you feel. Are there any better feeling thoughts you can choose to think? For example, I just turned 30 and I'm noticing that it might be a good time to re-evaluate where I am at. Some of the things I have been doing, aren’t working for me anymore and I'd like to try some new ways of being. I am not sure how to attract a relationship but I am willing to learn and take steps to create one. I am beginning to see that being in a relationship is really important to me so I am starting to take steps in that direction. Notice how a shift in our thoughts and the way we look at things can make us feel better and more at ease almost instantly.

Now comes the fun part... envisioning your ideal life!

What type of work do you feel passionate about? What brings you the most joy? What does your day look like? What are your daily tasks? What is one step you can take towards bringing more satisfaction to your work? This could be as simple as changing your attitude toward your current position, smiling at your desk, sending a resume, taking a special interest course, spending a few minutes fantasizing about your dream job. When you change your focus, opportunities you never knew existed will start to arise.

OK - now the boyfriend situation. Begin by feeling yourself in a relationship. What type of guy are you with? What qualities does he have? How does he make you feel? How does it feel to be around him? What does your ideal life look like together? What does it feel like to be in this ideal relationship? What thoughts, behaviours would you need to give up in order to attract your ideal partner? What is one action you can take this week that will bring you towards attracting a relationship? It doesn’t have to be a huge action, you could write about your ideal partner, stick an affirmation on your mirror (I am attracting my ideal partner), you could make a vision board of your ideal match, you could join an internet dating site, take up a new hobby, tell someone that you are looking for a serious relationship, etc. Take a small action that will steer you in the direction toward meeting your partner.

Then let’s look at your lifestyle. What would you like to be doing on weekends? Who would you like to be spending your time with? How would you like to feel? What is one action you can take in regards to your social circles that will move you towards what you desire for a social life?

And most importantly give yourself some LOVE, have some patience! Take care of you. Do something that fulfills your soul. Treat yourself to something wonderful!

-Jenn