STD: Sick Twisted and Demented Relationship Problems

ADVENTURE ALLERGIES PART II

laurenvalentine — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 10:53:43 -0700

A few weeks ago I posted regarding my Adventure Allergies, a.k.a. my inability to "go with the flow" and enjoy the sexual pleasures life brings my way without feeling the need to control them. I'm back to give hope to other women who suffer from this Allergy by reporting not just one but TWO major breakthroughs I experienced last weekend.

FAKE-IT-FLU

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 12:14:14 -0700

I don't fake orgasms with my current beau because I did it enough in my last relationship to know it's a really bad idea ("Are you there yet? Well are you almost there yet? Hmmmm, what if I slap your pussy – you sounded like you loooooooved that last time!") But tonight when my man and I were doing the nasty I realized orgasms aren't the only thing a girl can fake.

MOTHER-IN-LAW PLAGUE

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 09:06:10 -0700

I truly do love my boyfriend's mom like she was my own, but sometimes when we're visiting I have an uncontrollable urge to down all the Tylenols in the house and sit quietly on the couch, waiting for nature to take its course.

LEASEOPHOBIA

laurenvalentine — Mon, 7 Jul 2008 13:01:12 -0700

After 18 months as a twosome, my dude and I made the decision to try to make it as a foursome with our good friend and his sister. It wasn't because we were getting lonesome on our own, it more came out of a desire to branch out and experience wild new things with exciting new people.

Adventure Allergies

laurenvalentine — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 11:00:47 -0700

This weekend my dude and I hit up my cousin's wedding. We danced like chimpanzees on speed, took pictures like we were the paparazzi and sucked back cake (and booze) like nobody's business.

However although I had no problem public partying like it was 1999, our private romantic relationship took the opposite path. It seemed being surrounded by my family for the weekend totally killed my desire to attempt anything remotely kinky.

BRACE-O-PHOBIA

laurenvalentine — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 14:01:01 -0700

I can't kiss in braces. Or at least I can't kiss properly. You know the open mouth, running tongue on teeth, desperate, breathless oh-so-delicious, oh-so-I-want-you-inside-me-RIGHT-F'IN-NOW kiss? Yeah, I can't pull those off anymore.

Something else I can't pull off with metal mouth? Going – well – erm – you know where I'm going (or where I used to be going anyway). Sucking, licking and/or blowing down there has become a dangerous sport, one only played when I'm extremely horny, extremely drunk, or feeling extremely cruel.

PLAIN OLD ITIS-ITIS

laurenvalentine — Mon, 2 Jun 2008 13:38:15 -0700

Last week my dentist extracted two of my teeth, subsequently turning me into a drooling, whiney, unable-to-eat-solids baby – then he sent me home to my boyfriend. Now this wasn't the first time my dude has seen me lie helpless on the couch, groaning that I'm without a doubt on my deathbed (read: cold, flu and the time I sprained my neck), but as I watched him prepare smoothie after smoothie and keep me stocked with fresh spit-Kleenexes I realized he had once again risen to the challenge of playing my night in shining armor.

VITAMIN BEER

laurenvalentine — Thu, 22 May 2008 13:51:56 -0700

As you've probably gathered from previous articles, my honey and I aren't exactly the rip-each-other's-underwear-off-and-go-at-it-like-rabbits type. But there is indeed an exception to this – when we're smashed off our asses.

Enter May 24, the weekend that stands for beer, bad weather, and bumping uglies (which usually occurs in a tent while under the influence of the first two factors). Now if you're in my shoes you'll find that partaking in the first staple greatly improves your chances for experiencing the last; or, to put it another way, while Vitamin C boosts my immunity, it's VITAMIN BEER that boosts my "you're pretty when I'm drunk" sensitivity.

SEX STEROIDS

laurenvalentine — Tue, 13 May 2008 11:39:08 -0700

Recently I was whisked away to Florida on a family vacation, leaving my dude to fend for himself dans our shoe box Toronto apartment. Upon my return we forged into a solid three-day stint of frantically ripping each other's clothes off. It was awesome.

However this sexual smorgasboard was as out of place in our apartment as the dead Fern beside the television (a Christmas gift from his mother that we inevitably killed a month after receiving it). This was because while our cohabitation habits (me wearing his socks, me wearing his sweatshirts, him wearing my underwear - ha kidding! I hope…) had skyrocketed over the past 8 months, our coital count was steadily decreasing. But aside from maxing out my bank account to fly far, far away from him so I can eventually enjoy a brief sexually charged reunion – what's a girl to do?

INAPPROPRIATE INFLUENZA

laurenvalentine — Thu, 1 May 2008 12:30:15 -0700

My boyfriend and I share a close group of confidants to whom we divulge an excessive amount of relationship information. The other day after one of them made a crack about one of our (very) private kinks I had to ask myself – had we revealed too much?

If your group of friends is privy to a similar list of unmentionables you may consider yourself infected with INAPPROPRIATE INFLUENZA