Bad Breath Blues

MJ — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 15:31:23 -0700

Dear MJ,

I'm seeing a new guy who is completely not my type but I'm wildly attracted to him. We had sex for the first time last week and it was INSANE. I wouldn’t normally have slept with him so quickly (2 weeks in) but something came over me and I tackled him. We fucked all night and went at it again in the morning and after that (and before I’d showered even) he rolled me over and licked my ass! I couldn’t believe it! I’d never experienced that before and although I was self-conscious at first, I got into it really quickly and the feeling was incredible. I’ve never had anyone make me feel so sexual and free. The problem is, he has horrible bad breath. Initially I was blaming it on food, drinking, the joint we smoked one night but now I’m starting to fear that he might just have a problem. He also refuses to eat fruit which is freaking me out - who doesn’t eat fruit? I can’t seriously date somebody with garbage mouth… what do I do?

Signed,

Bad Breath Blues

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Dear Breath Blues,

Hang on a second here, am I the only one who sees the irony (and humour) in the fact that your ass-eating boyfriend has bad breath??

Let me get this straight- your guy is okay with eating sloppy all-night-sex ass for breakfast but won’t snack on an apple? Where’s the logic?

Chronic Halitosis is no laughing matter. In fact, it is a very serious condition. As is Periodontitis- a bacterial infection in the gums. Which, by the way, can be passed on to others via saliva. Two words: BACTERIA; CONTAGIOUS. Uhhh, no thanks! If I were you, I’d be telling Mr. Diggler to get himself to a dentist pronto!

Germs aside, I think it’s AMAZING that you are experiencing new things and seeing a dude who makes you feel hot and sexy all the time. There is nothing better than that, my friend. Nothing! I encourage you to explore this connection to its fullest potential. It’s exciting to go against the grain a bit and get down with somebody who’s not your type (I’d venture to say you may want to revisit what your ‘type’ actually is…). However, one can only go so far when the kissing and close up time is reminiscent of yesterday’s trash.

The occasional case of bad breath is perfectly fine. Normal, in fact. But perpetual garbage mouth is NOT good, not sexy and not something I personally could tolerate. If you like the guy and want to have any sort of future with him, in the bedroom or otherwise, you need to get to the bottom of this problem immediately.

It’s not an easy thing to tell someone they smell. I get that. But if you like the guy, you’re just going to have to get up the nerve and do it. In the meantime, maybe you should shove a breath mint up your rear before bed and see if that helps!

Yours in scandalous love,

Love, Sex and Scandal

Bad Breath Blues