The Scribble

Get out the BBQ tongs, the beer and your badass friends – strike a match and blow up the sky, because it's MAY 24!!(even if it isn't actually the 24th of May.

Celebrate by watching gay films, attending cat parties, questioning Japanese sex stereotypes and throwing fake birthday parties.

THURSDAY

FILM

Inside Out Gay and Lesbian Film Festival kicks off with No Bikini and Like A Virgin at the Varsity theatre, 8PM

The first film is about a girl who passes as a guy at summer camp, and the second is a Korean gem about a boy who competes in a boxing tournament to earn money for a sex change.

Running for ten days, this festival covers a huge range including a focus on larger than life queer icons, experimental and subversive work, coming out stories and sexual discovery in youth, a special on Australian queer films – dancing, romancing, kink, insight and love, check out all that this fest has to offer:

http://www.insideout.on.ca/18Annual/index.htm

THEATRE

Have you ever watched Japanese porn? Even if you haven't, you likely know the stereotypes of submissive toy like women, as our culture has been over saturated with these images.

Sexual Practices of The Japanese is a play that examines these stereotypes. This is the last weekend to get tix for this provocative and moving play.

Factory Theatre
125 Bathurst Street
http://www.factorytheatre.ca/

ART

Internationally renowned toy designer  and illustrator Nathan Jurevicius is having a solo show at Magic Pony called Reformation

Known for both his fine art and commercial design, Nathan's paintings are imaginative bursts of colour that transform one quickly into a different world of warped shapes and scary-pretty things.

Also - he has created a limited run of Bronzed Owl toys, exclusive to Magic Pony. Hoot hoot!

694 Queen West
7-10 PM
http://www.magic-pony.com/index.php

DEBAUCHERY

Long weekend means – screw Friday. No one's going to care if you are hungover, as most people will quietly be looking up BBQ recipes and planning their city escapes. SOO – go nuts tonight!

For those who want heated moments with strangers while listening to rock anthems and doing shots of bourbon – new College St bar Strange Love will be most definitely turn naughty tonight.

Join the ladies of Chapman&Brough, DJ Trevor and the Pussy Posse for a night of revelry and 'who cares that I work tomorrow' fun.

Strange Love, 587 College

SNEAKERS & NOISE

College Street not your scene? Fine you too cool for school hipster – head to Parkdale

Schools Out Forever Tour with Treasure Fingers and Kill The Noise

Wrongbar - 1279 Queen West

Blending softer electro beats into the typically harsh noise we have recently been accustomed to. Expect to fall in love with a new sound – described as Aphex Twin meets Dr Dre meets Chromeo.

I listened, I liked:

http://www.myspace.com/treasurefingers
http://www.myspace.com/killnoisekill

DANCING LIKE F*CKING

I don't care about new French influenced electro, or getting wasted with horny Bay St. types, I'd rather Dance Like I Fuck a la Richard Simmons.

Head to AVALON with your weird hat and drop $10 at the door (but only $5 if you say 'Medley'). DJ Barbi of  Syntonics will be on the decks.

www.myspace.com/djbarbi
www.dancelikeyoufuck.ca
http://www.richardsimmons.com/j/

Avalon, 230 Richmond St. W

FRIDAY

Holy Fuck will be playing at Wrongbar to raise money for Earthroots

1279 Queen West
$12 cover at door, $10 advance at Rotate This or Sonic Boom

http://www.myspace.com/holyfuck

10 PM until the environment is fucked over completely, oh wait - it already is. In that case, until a cat walks by with a cowboy hat and tells you to go green or get screwed.

http://www.earthroots.org/

REBEL PARTY

LOST CATS are back!

A fun night of chill peeps who know how to throw an unpretentious cool shindig. Again, I really wish I held an awards ceremony for best DJ name, I think DJ CTV NEWS AT NOON would at least get runner up.

Augusta House
152A Augusta, Kensignton Market

Clearly Friday night is all about cats going wild.

FAKE BIRTHDAY @ CiRCA; Happy Birthday to Nobody and Everybody!

- is it fair to say they were desperate for a theme? Doesn't matter because if you fall in the under twenty five category then this is a night for you to get sloshed and slam cakes in each other's faces. Sound like a dream come true? Thought so.

DANCING DANCING

DROP THE LIME
Brooklyn, NY
www.myspace.com/dropthelime

FRANKIE CHAN
i Heart Comix, Los Angeles
www.myspace.com/iheartcomix

CIRCA
126 John St.

SAT

QUEEN WEST ART TOUR

Art aficionado Betty Ann Jordan leads a tour of the best Queen West exhibitions, especially the Contact Festival's shows, $25.

12 - 3:30 PM
1150 Queen West
$25

Nice for you and your man or if you happened to fudge Mother's Day

ADRIFT SKATE SHOP OPENING; this Shoe Party will be a Shoe-in!

Ouch, what am I? An apple farmer from Picton? Yikes – the launch party of Adrift Skate Shop will certainly be cooler than my intro.

Sponsored by VANS and spun by Johnny Hockin and Shit La Merde
116 Spadina, Suite 62
8-11PM

VINTAGE SPREE

DENNIS' HOUSE OF VINTAGE IS CLOSING AT THE QUEEN STREET LOCATION and having a big sale
Wooohooo rock tees, hippy dresses, used pink pumps and ol' chucks!
571 Queen St. West

RETRO THROWBACK AND THROWDOWN

Going Steady @ The Boat

Boys and girls together at a dance like the good ol days when mom was a virgin and dad had a stutter.

Twang, surf, big beat, good ol' rock n' roll.
158 Augusta

Hip Hop Karaoke @ THE GLADSTONE
Whoah – this night is getting more momentum than Napoleon corralling French troops in 1796, which is why it keeps moving from venue to venue.

Be Biggie, Be Common, Be Tupac – No Diggity, No Doubt.

9PM  - $6

SUNDAY / MONDAY

BONDE DO ROLE AND DEATHSET = COMPLETE MAYHEM

It's the Bondo De Role & Deathset Holiday Party @ The Social

This is the most fun Brazilian band ever – possibly the most fun band to see live.

Listen to Solto o Frango, and it makes you want to dance around a campfire waving around colourful scarves whilst bopping people on the head with fun balloons and throwing macaroni in the sky.

1100 Queen St

Advance tix ONLY, $10 at soundscapes, rotate this or www.ticketweb.ca

Read Robyn's full report:

www.shedoesthecity.com/nightlife
http://www.myspace.com/bondedorole

Park yourself on a grassy knoll at Ontario Place, light one up for Queen Victoria, and stare at the sky. They will be doing fireworks both Sunday and Monday

Xo
J

PS – AGO changed their logo, like?

GNARLS BARKLEY PRIZE PACK!

Listen up all you party throwers and emerging DJ’s, and anyone who appreciates great dance music, we have the ultimate Gnarls Barkley prize pack to giveaway!

-a limited edition "The Odd Couple" double vinyl record (one record plays the album forward, the other plays it backwards)
-a copy of "The Odd Couple" CD
-a copy of their first album "St. Elsewhere"
-a copy of Estelle's album "Shine" featuring an appearance by Gnarls Barkley singer Cee-Lo – the album that is currently being played non stop in my house and rocking my world!

Gnarls Barkley, an enigmatic presence in the entertainment business, formally introduced himself in 2006, to the tune of the popular song "Crazy." He released the acclaimed LP St. Elsewhere, garnered two Grammy Awards (and six nominations), and became a global phenomenon without ever appearing in public. He doesn’t care for the word "should."

With fame came attention, and Gnarls doesn’t care for attention, either. Thus, to protect himself from the public gaze, he split himself in two, the yin and the yang. This opened a tunnel through the forbidden underworld of popular music and human psychology, a world explored on Gnarls Barkley's second LP, The Odd Couple.

To enter to win e-mail contests@shedoesthecity.com
subject line: tunes for my summer

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On Sunday May 5th I spent my afternoon touring around Jane and Finch.

Upon relaying this to friends and family, the unanimous response was:

WHY????

Two main reasons:

1. I was participating in Jane’s Walk
2. I’ve never been to Jane and Finch and was curious.

Jane’s Walk is an ode to famous urban theorist Jane Jacobs, and her theories on how to make a great city. She opposed expressways, believed in a dense downtown core and mix-used neighbourhoods in order to create vibrant urban landscapes. In fact, we owe thanks to Jane for helping to prevent Spadina from becoming one giant highway. Most notoriously known for her book, The Death and Life of Great American Cities; published in 1961 – this is still recognized in Universities and city hall’s alike, as a valuable resource for urban planners.

From all her lessons, the one that Jane’s Walk is most guided by is her belief that:

 “No one can find what will work for our cities by looking at suburban garden cities, manipulating scale models or inventing dream cities. You’ve got to get out and walk.”

And walk we did. This year, eight cities in Canada participated, and there were over sixty walks in Toronto alone.

While I was getting the ‘Inside Scoop at Jane and Finch,’ by half a dozen local youth, other people were walking these walks:

Gangsters, Dreamers and Engineers, 200 years of Drama on the Lower Don River

Green Roofs and Tree Tops

Leslieville from blue collar South Riverdale to film district a transformed neighbourhood.

Little India, Colour and Contrast

Marginal Spaces and Modist Places: tension and curiosities of neighbourhood change on west Queen west.

Parkdale with two Politicians; Peggy Nash and Cheri DiNovo

Re-imagining Jewish Kensington

And of course; Places to Bonk on Your Lunch Hour, hosted by Sasha Van Bon Bon

“Jane’s Walk seeks to get people out of their cars, and out of their ‘comfort zone’ exploring their neighbourhoods. It does so in an attempt to get people to make their own observations, formulate their own opinions about communities, cities and the people who live here. It’s ultimately about civic engagement and urban literacy.” Jane Farrow, Director of Jane’s Walk.

True dat. There’s no way, prior to my illuminating walk, that I would have taken a self exploratory trip to Jane and Finch.

Carved by the media, and my vivid imagination, I equated Jane and Finch with violence; the Toronto equivalent of HBO's hit series THE WIRE. I wanted to see if my vision was accurate or if my misconception of Jane and Finch was akin to my North Toronto Grandma’s fears of my current Queen and Dufferin hood.  

We met in the parking lot of the Driftwood Community Centre; there were over 100 of us in attendance. A crew of the fifteen year olds greeted us and began the tour with a low-down of what happens at the centre; tutoring, dance classes, karate, basketball, Saturday Spanish soccer league, spa day and many many outdoor BBQ’s.

Next stop - the candy shop. At Jane and Finch, kids prefer insanely sour candies.

Other places we hit up were:

The Spot ; A Youth Centre
A place where youth go to hang, write resumes, find jobs and plan community activities like dinners for seniors. The centre also offers drug prevention for 9-12 year olds, Yoga classes, Homework Club and Project Canoe – which takes kids out of the city and up to the wilderness for canoe trips and outdoor adventures. One of our tour guides was excited to share how she saw a rotting moose corpse on one excursion.

The Jane Finch Mall:
Busy, colourful and full of great deals!

The field in between Driftwood and Palisades
On May 24 there is a firecracker war. 15 to 19 year olds gather from both sides and engage in blast off between the Driftwood and Palisades communities. Shirlon and Anthony explain that this is a night of pure fun, and no one brings knives or guns. (Hopefully they are careful aiming the fireworks!!).

The Studio:
This is an actual studio located at The Palisades apartments and youth use it to make music and freestyle. With the adjacent buildings housing 5000 people each, the studio will typically get 25 visitors daily.

Pet Cemetery:
Woof woof! may you rest in peace.

At the end of our tour we filed into a recreation room at a co-op housing community and were greeted with a buffet of eclectic food, home cooked by tenants. The meal included - a Somalian rice dish, empanadas, jerk chicken, Jamaican paddies, samosas - and much more, delicious.

Jane and Finch gets a bad rap, but from what I took away – it is a neighbourhood full of lush greenery, anchored in family values with a wonderful vibrant cultural mosaic.

You don’t have to wait until next year to see parts of the city you are unfamiliar with– just get outside and walk.

To view more info on Jane’s Walk:
http://www.janeswalk.net/

For more info on Jane and Finch:
http://jane-finch.com/

Contest to see Zaki Ibrahim!
Soulful songstress, who has toured with Erykah Badu and shared a stage with The Roots will be filling the Mod Club with her poetic lyrics and moving voice TONIGHT!!

E-mail contests@shedoesthecity.com, subject line ZAKI, for a chance to win a double pass. Winner will be notified this afternoon.

Take a listen:
http://www.myspace.com/zakiibrahim

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MOMMY!

Have you not organized your Mother's Day festivities yet? If you think you are making it out to brunch now without a reservation you can fuggadabouit.

Last Minute Plans and Gifts:

1. Opening Weekend of The Stone Angel, based on Margaret Laurence's famous novel and

   Ellen Page is in it – perfect for you, Mom and Grandma.

2. Write a gift certificate for high tea at either: Windsor Arms (18 St. Thomas St), The Old Mill (21 Old Mill Rd), The Red Tea Box (696 Queen St. W) or Spice Room and Manyata Courtyard Café (55 Avenue Rd North, Hazelton Lanes)


3. Put a donation in her name to Rethink Breast Cancer, http://www.rethinkbreastcancer.com/


4. BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS AND BRAS! For book ideas see our contest below, for sexy lingerie (especially nice for divorced moms, widowed moms or single moms who may not receive as gift from a significant other) Secrets From Your Sister (560 Bloor St West)


5. Spa Day! Elmwood (18 Elm St), Sweet Grass (111E Queen St East) or Park Hyatt Stillwater Spa (4 Avenue Road) are the best bets for Mom Styles


6. Go to RONA, or wherever, and buy lanterns and flowers for the backyard. Rake all the crap and mess away and make it gorgeous.


7. LCBO Summerhill (10 Scrivener Square) Cooking Course and wine parings         


8. Cat from the Toronto Humane Society  (11 River St)– THEY NEED A HOME! (If of course she's been meowing for a cat)


9. When you were a child, you may recall getting cheesy family photos taken. Mom's love these! Go brush your hair, put on a nice outfit and pose with your bro, your sis or under your mom's favourite lilac or magnolia bush.


10. Movie Momathon. Throw some Jiffy-Pop on the oven, crack open some DC's, bring a tissue box to the couch and get ready for teary emotional bonding session:

Step Mom, Gilmore Girls TV Series on DVD, Little Miss Sunshine, Little Women and Erin Brockovich are our best bets! If you really want to cry – Terms of Endearment, Steel Magnolias or Beaches (not sure how fun or appropriate this would be)

When you are not courting your mother and celebrating how she has reared you well:

THURSDAY

This Is Not A Reading Series, an event put on by Pages Books @ THE GLADSTONE HOTEL

Join Mayor David Miller, Toronto Star's Christopher Hume and writer - philanthropist Alan Braodbent as they discuss and open up conversation around the launch of Broadbent's book; URBAN NATION: Why we need to give power back to the cities to make Canada strong.

1214 Queen St. West, Gladstone Ballroom
7PM – 11:59PM

OH NO – OH OH! @ Magic Pony

Toy Release reception for Gary Taxali's humourous figurines

684 Queen St. W
6-9 PM

BIG KNITTING @ MADE

Artists Deborah Wang and William Elsworthy will showcase their collection of giant things made with giant yarn

MADE Design Store – 862 Dundas St. West
7 – 9PM

Candy Coated Killahz Debut Album Release Party, "IT FACTOR" @ Wrongbar

The hip hop / electro pop duo gaining fast attention for their fun dance beats will be celebrating the release of new album

Read our full write up www.shedoesthecity.com/arts

DJ's TMDP and Vaneska will join the festivities and add fire to the dance fury

www.myspace.com/tmdparty
www.myspace.com/vaneska

$10 / door, 9PM – the lights go on

Newish Band and Newer Venue

F.Scott & The Ashbury Band will be launching their album KISS THE SUN @ The Battery (Portuguese Fish Market turned Hipster Booze can Venue on Ossington)

They have toured with Black Rebel Motorcycle Club and sound like good ol' rock n' roll – think Bob Dylanesque raspy voice meets Jakob Dylan  of Wallflowers comfort rock tunes meets catchy Tom Petty and John Mellancamp with a pinch of Kevin Drew from Broken Social Scene

FINALLY – It's good ol' Rock n' Roll

225 Ossington / $10 cover / $5 beer

9:30 PM – 6:30 AM, whoah it's a party alright!

myspace.com/fscottandtheashburyband

FRIDAY

One Year Anniversary for NO GUFF party @ Augusta House

Touted as being a BEST BET in EYE for their last event, this night will be an indie / electro dance party with local DJ's and bust a move merriment.

152 Augusta  / 10 PM / $5

Cut Copy Live with Black Kids @ The Phoenix

Two hot bands touring together. Cut Copy hail from Melbourne, Australia and Black Kids from Jacksonville, Florida.

Black Kids is exciting party music with tracks like, "I'm not going to teach your boyfriend how to dance with you", that make you dance around with a dumb grin on your face and Cut Copy are being compared to New Order. Both bands are for those who appreciate great music as opposed to the onslaught of electro shite that sounds like a combination of drills, dentist tools and boots in a washing machine – although they do have the fun static zipper noises that help your sneakers zig zag on the dance floor – while also swelling the room with amazing vocals and vibrant stage presence.

http://www.myspace.com/blackkidsrock
http://www.myspace.com/cutcopy

Balkan Beats Dance Party @ XPACE

XPACE – who doesn't love an XPACE party? XPACE is the student run OCAD gallery that always pushes the boundaries with mulit-disciplinary art…oh and parties.

This Friday, they will be having a Balkan Beats Dance Party – celebrating CONTACT activity on the Ossington strip and area as well as fundraising for Still Motions and a nod to Slavic, Turkish and Romanian culture. (I think)

STILL MOTIONS PHOTOG EXHIBIT - http://www.stillmotions2008.com/

What is a Balkan Beats Dance Party? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtDfrApUQIM

58 Ossington / 10 PM onward

SATURDAY

Bang the Party @ The Boat

Cause if you aren't going to banging your bf, you might as well BANG THE PARTY!

There will be a most serious dance competition happening with trophies and cash awarded to those with mad movement skills

DJ's Gang of Two, AndyCapp & Rod Skimmins
158 Augusta

MILF BURLESQUE SHOW @ CADILLAC LOUNGE

How appropriate! While buying butter in a small town last summer, a few teenagers tore past me screaming MILF out the window. I took it as a great compliment, even though I have no kids.

Skin Tight Outta Site will be stripping down and burlesque dancing as an ode to hot mama's!

$15 – Rotate This or Nearly Naked
$20 – At the Door

Caddy – 1296 Queen West, 7-11PM, but of course you can stay and get wasted on enormous patio until the AM.

ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT'S ME DANCE PARTY

Oh bless. Every time I see the name for this night I envision what Dance Party looks like knocking on heaven's door. I think he's a nice person, maybe not too bright but likes to make everyone happy – he looks like a giant vinyl record with a beer in one hand and fancy dance cane in the other.

I think it would be really fun to hit the dance floor with Jesus and his disciples. Some day maybe.

Tiger Bar, 414 College

ALL WEEKEND

EVOLVING DNA – 93rd Annual OCAD Graduate Exhibition

OCAD FOURTH YEAR STUDENTS SHOW THEIR STUFF!

Expect to see provocative work in all areas of art and design: drawing and painting, photography, sculpture/installation, criticism and curatorial practice, ceramics, printmaking, jewellery, textiles, integrated media, advertising, illustration, graphic design, industrial design, and environmental design.

CONTACT PHOTOGRAPHY FESTIVAL

Get out there and get floored by photos that will put your hanging tongue and gang sign facebook profile pics to shame.

Check out Shedoesthecity's special feature on female photographer being featured at CONTACT HERE

Santé 10th Annual Toronto International Wine Festival
Several events are happening this weekend for wine lovers and those who want to grow their knowledge of this most beloved industry.
Events you should check out:
- Friday night, Sante down Under at Hart House be a special evening that showcases all that Australia has to offer – drink and learn!
- Saturday - Noon - 1:30PM - How to Taste Like A Pro, so you can stop buying wines based on cute labels and start learning which ones are actually good
- Saturday - 2:30PM - 4:00PM - Event: Red and White Goes Green, an intro to enviro wines
- Saturday – 3:00 PM – 4:00 PM – Stars and Sips 3:00PM - 4:00PM, get to know your California bottles

For more info: http://www.santewinefestival.net

BOOKS FOR MOM CONTEST:

To enter email contests@shedoesthecity.com with 'I LOVE MY MOM' is subject line of email. Winner will be notified Friday morning.

Mothers Day Prize Pack includes:

A SLICE OF ORGANIC LIFE

An ideal reference for mothers starting to reduce their ecological footprint on the planet or the seasoned eco-experts looking for ways to do morel. This book covers more than 90 DIY projects, like growing your own  organic greens and making your own green products to use in the home.

YOGA MIND & BODY

Ideal for developing mental and physical potential, learn to nourish your mind and body with this guide to improve improved health, happiness, and spiritual well-being.

1001 WAYS TO RELAX

An essential book any mother searching for ways to escape the stresses of everyday life. A collection of tips to discover exactly what it takes to switch off and de-stress from the daily grind.

For more great titles for mom check out http://cn.dk.com/mom

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Here are three short stories of inappropriate behaviour surrounding money that I thought were important to share with you:

1. Over zealous boyfriend splurges beyond means on girlfriend's birthday

It was lovely of Damian to invite a dozen of us out to dinner for Sandy's birthday. After we had all been quite enthusiastic ordering apps, mains, wine and espresso's, he shockingly announced with a big grin:

"I'm going to pay for everyone's meal!!!"

Slightly flabbergasted, knowing we weren't in the company of six figure salaries, we graciously declined with an overwhelming unanimous harmony of "No, no no no no no no!"

However Damian insisted:

"I INSIST!! Please…yes yes yes yes yes yes."

Not wanting to wound his ego, we finally agreed to let him pay – and were quite satisfied leaving the restaurant pockets full of cash.

Not one, or two but THREE weeks later – the guests who attended Sandy's splash received this e-mail:
"Hi guys, I shouldn't have offered to pay for the entire meal. I actually need that money back. Please send $60 / each in the mail. Cheers, D."

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

2. Woman having a burst of anxiety over newly gained weight viciously tears through closet removing non-fitting size 6 items and forcing them on thin co-workers

Luanne got into a habit of mowing down a donut every day before sorting company invoices. Along with this habit was a new love for greasy Thai food paired with renting 24 by the season. A few months later Luanne realized that her new routine was slightly fattening and, to her dismay, grew out of her size 6 wardrobe at an alarming rate.

Feeling discouraged, irrational and sorry for herself she tore through her closet and plucked out all the items she could no longer fit into.

Wandering through a maze of cubicles, she decided to pawn off the much loved small attire to those more toned and young.

Janice didn't want the wrap dress that was being forced at her, but finally took it for fear of seeming ungrateful and dissing Luannes taste in fashion.

Not one, two, three or four but FIVE years later, Janice gets this e-mail:

"Hey Janice, guess what – I'm thin again! After a year full of vigorous working out and watching my diet I'm back to a size 6. I know I haven't seen you in a few years – but do you still have that dress I leant you?"

Leant you? Borrowed? WTF – she had physically pushed that dress on Janice and now five years later, three apartment moves and two jobs removed she wants what?? Janice was shocked and somewhat nervous to respond but in her usual polite demeanour wrote:

"Hey Luanne, I feel really bad but I have moved a couple times and in the process of cleaning out my closets – think I may have given that dress away to Goodwill. Yikes! I'm so sorry."

AND THEN THIS WAS THE REPLY:

"Oh, well this is kind of embarrassing but since that was a Diane von Furstenberg and I bought it for $400, would you mind sending me a cheque for $200"

HOLY SH!T ????????????? CRAZY LADY!

3. Sex toy party hostess sloppily packs up her trunk of vibrators and three weeks later realizes she's missing a cock ring and vibrating bullet.

Cheryl threw a bachelorette party for her best friend Wendy. For months she wasn't sure what to do, as Wendy was a bit conservative – so getting her a cowboy to strip in the living room or cop to slam up against her with his billy club could possibly make her cry. In her practical way, Cheryl opted for a sex toy Tupperware party.

Martinis were being drunk faster than one could do the chicken dance, music was blasting and just as everyone was snickering about blow jobs and screaming "ME TOO, ME TOO" , Samantha arrived at the door with her box of tricks.

The "ME TOO, ME TOO's" turned to shrill shrieks of "OMG – WHAT IS IT?? HA HA HA" as the dining room table became a booth for phallic objects in every colour of the rainbow. Beyond this, there were tassels, erotic novels, sprays, lotions, candles and plugs. After an hour of touching, prodding and squealing at the array of naughty wares; Samantha took a couple modest orders for edible undies, packed up her suitcase and went on her merry way.

The conservative wasp ladies were left howling at the scene they were just privy to. This followed up with a few more cocktails, dancing to Stevie Wonder in their bras - and finally home to have unsuccessful drunk sex with their hubbies.

Not one, two but three weeks later, Cheryl gets this e-mail:

"Hey Cheryl, that was fun hosting the party for your friends. Listen, I can't seem to find the pink cock ring and the vibrating bullet that people were rubbing on their hands and playing with."

Cheryl was so stunned by this e-mail that she nearly choked on her coffee.

"Hi Samantha, I doubt very much that one of the guests would have wanted to steal the cock ring that you use as show and tell around the GTA, but I can ask around?"

"Well, I think you should pay half, approx $65."

"It's actually not my responsibility to pack your suitcase so I'm not going to pay you, but I will ask around."

Cheryl began writing an e-mail:

"If anyone accidentally put the vibrating cock ring in their purse last…."

But stopped and realized that in sending that e-mail out she was essentially saying that everyone who attended was capable of nicking a used and abused sex toy. She halted her communication and simply waited a day before relaying to Samantha that unfortunately no one knew the whereabouts.

Tsk Tsk.

Jen

ANOTHER BLOODY CONTEST – this time FO' REAL!

EVIL DEAD THE MUSICAL

We have two double passes to giveaway for the ghoulish and hilarious EVIL DEAD THE MUSICAL @ THE DIESEL PLAYHOUSE.

It's a wonderful night of laughs, shrieks of disgust; an absolute fun night of horrifying entertainment.

E-mail contests@shedoesthecity.com , subject line "I KILL YOU THEN I EAT YOU" to win!

Contest winners will be notified tomorrow end of day.

SHOW HAS BEEN EXTENDED IN TORONTO UNTIL JUNE 14th - If you don't win then buy your tix here:

http://www.evildeadthemusical.com/

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Pose, point, click, twirl, smile, cry, laugh, screw, bike, drink, dance, love, touch, shout, me and you.

This weekend is like swallowing a pill of energy, excitement and emotions - be careful not to OD.

THURSDAY

I AM ELVIS

Shake, Rattle and Roll over to the Heartbreak Hotel (or the Gladstone Hotel) because not only are there going to be over 24 photographers being exhibited as a part of the Contact Toronto Photography Festival, but as an ode to Henrieta Haniskova's exhibit, I AM ELVIS, a portrait series on impersonators from the Collingwood Elvis festival - there will be five Elvis impersonators doing performances, with the youngest one being twelve years old.

Gladstone Hotel
1214 Queen St. West
7:00 - 11:55 PM

THE FIRST EVER COBRASNAKE DANCE PARTY @ WRONGBAR

This means debauchery, insanely fast dancing and many photos of you acting crazy

Hosted by Barbi and Vaneska, presented by Nastymix and Dopplehertz, Heartsrevolution will be live plus DJ Huggs and Nasty Nav

Heartsrevolution is from the woman that started Heartschallenger, a crazy ice cream truck that pumps out electronic music and sells imported Japanese candies. You might have seen it all over the states outside parties, events, and even in Europe.
http://www.myspace.com/heartsrevolution

COBRASNAKE will be slithering around Wrongbar snapping party pics, please see:

http://www.thecobrasnake.com/partyphotos.html

It's a lot to explain, but take my word for it - this is definitely a scene to check out.

Wrongbar - 1279 Queen St. West
9 PM - 2:45 AM
$18.50, your ticket to fame

Solid Body Workout II w/ Shit La Merde & Fierce Helder

Hosted by Fritz Helder & The Phantoms, this is going to be one sweaty locker room workout at The Social.

And drink, and bend, and wink, and stretch - right there is your recipe for getting it on.

(and no to my knowledge this event is not sponsored by KOODO mobile)

The Social
1100 Queen St. W
$5

Dance Like You Fuck

How do you dance like you fuck? I think this would be most fun if actually enforced. Dancing would no longer be exclusive to standing, but half of us would be on all fours, backs, squats. Let's give it a whirl shall we?

In an attempt to flip the current objectives of club land from bottle service and fancy clothes to a full out dance orgy - new club AVALON has booked Team DMT (from the Social) and DJ Medley (Remix This @ Andy Poolhall and Hello Saturdays at Revival) 

AVALON - 230 Richmond St
10 PM - 2AM, $10 cover
21+ - oh, well this is saucy and new.

The Teenagers @ Lee's Palace

The Teenagers, a most sexy, well humoured, conversational and catchy band from France, will blow you away at Lee's.

In 1979 there was Serge Gainsbourg then there was nothing for a long time. In the nineties we were blessed with DAFT PUNK and AIR and now over a decade later we are being overwhelmed with amazing music hailing from France? Who could have predicted this wave of awesomeness, well perhaps music aficionados but certainly not me. Brit pop - you've got some catching up to do!

Lee's Palace
529 Bloor St. W

Tix @ www.wanttickets.com/embrace , there are still tix available, I know - I just bought two. $20 each

FRIDAY

Blowjobs over Baltimore @ The Shared Loft

"Why get choked up when you can just swallow?" There words not mine.

It seems to be a common theme these days - the raunchier the better. This night is no exception with DJ Dog Dick.

Funny, but how would you like to introduce him as your new fling? Right now all I can think of is a pink candle, dog owners know what i'm talking about.

Anyhoo, moving away from dog genitalia cause that is not what this night is about rather artists, good tunes and guzzling cum. (oops, sorry - did I just say that?)

2 Rooms of insanity:

First - the WOMB ROOM with Narwhalz & Adventure of Wham City plus DJ Dog Dick

http://www.myspace.com/adventuresound
http://www.myspace.com/narwhalsofsound

Main Room: La Merde, Louis Calabro (goin steady)

There will be two new cock-tails served - The Blue Bukake and only fitting, The Cum Shot.

CONTACT TORONTO PHOTOGRAPHY FESTIVAL PUBLIC LAUNCH @ BRASSAII

From May 1 - 31st, 400 photographers from around the world are showcased at over 200 venues in Toronto. In fact, it's the largest photography event of it's kind in the world!!

Be moved, be confused, be angry, be brought to tears and laughter - come celebrate the launch of this magnificent festival that truly honours the photographic medium as an art form and profession.

Brassaii Bistro
461 King Street West
7 - 12
$10 suggested donation

RED AND WHITE BALL FOR RETHINK BREAST CANCER @ THE COURTHOUSE

Feel like getting dolled up and dancing for a good cause?

Rethink is hosting it's annual Red & White Ball and there are still tickets available!

Advance - $40, purchase at www.redandwhitetoronto.com
At the door - $50
Doors - 9PM
Sponsored Bar until 10:30PM

Party like Cinderella with a few shots in her - till midnight!

ROOM PARTY means you take as much fun, nonsense, good music and friendly people and push them all into one room to party!

For people who want no hassle fun, an easy place to connect with friends and don't want to be worried about how drunk they get

@ The Boat
158 Augusta
$5
Post Punk / New Wave / Weirdo Disco / Electro

SATURDAY

Global Marijuana March

Ugh - the marijuana march and festival. This isn't really my cup of tea, but is worth mentioning because:

A: you may be a big pot smoker and pro legalization
B: you may enjoy terrific people watching

Event will be taking place from 10AM - 8PM @ Queens Park
2PM everyone will light up for the Big Smoke in the Big Smoke

They have advised the following: "Please bring more signs and think of more chants to get people motivated. One example for a chant is Marijuana, Marijuana, Hey Hey Hey, Legalize!"

Did you smoke a fat one before coming up with that stellar chant?

Anyhow - here's what to expect:
- High school students getting way too high and puking
- A zillion flickr fanatics
- People who look like your dad with tie dye shirts, big bongs and beards
- Park games like hacky sack, devil sticks and Birkenstocks
- Girls with marijuana leaves tattooed on their tits
- Cops on horses jonesing for a toke

Over The Top Festival @ Whippersnapper

Over The Top Festival is an all ages music and film festival that runs from May 30 - May 4

On Sat night, four terrific indeed bands will shake the walls at Whippersnapper Gallery:

Foxfire, Pas Chic Chic, Ruby Coast & Elfin Saddle

8PM - $8 
587A College St
Listen and learn:

http://ca.myspace.com/rubycoast
http://www.paschicchic.com/ (clue, press the red button)
http://www.myspace.com/elfinsaddle
http://www.myspace.com/foxfireforest

Peer Pressure in the Underground

It's my birthday so I'm planning on going completely nuts and screeching, where do I go? Peer Pressure

I want to dance and flirt with hot boys with my special two step seduction, where do I go? Peer Pressure

I want to wear my hair in a side ponytail and no underwear, where do I go? Peer Pressure

I want to feel like I'm the most popular person in the world shaking it for money and gold, where do I go? Oh come on now.

The boys from Montreal will make you so happy that you won't need to be peer pressured:

www.peerpressure.ca
www.myspace.com/adamhummell
www.myspace.com/hatchmatik
www.myspace.com/merkmeny

Drake Underground
1150 Queen St. West
10 PM - 3 AM
$5

GOIN' STEADY @ THE BOAT

Get your June Clever outfit, some bright red lipstick and swing your hips to motown, boogie woogie, surf and twang.

The Boat - 158 Augusta
10 - 3 AM

ALL WEEKEND

The Clothing Show

Who likes clothing? Wow, that's a dumb question.

Starting friday and running to Sunday the clothing show will have a gazillion booths of vintage and new clothing. Rip off your clothes in some make shift change room, try some new duds on and spend mad cash on a new wardrobe for summer.

Located at the Better Living Building @ Exhibition Place

Friday 3 - 9
Saturday 11- 9
Sunday 11- 7

$8 advance at www.theclothingshow.com
$10 at the door

xo,
Jen

Click HERE see our Special Section on CONTACT Toronto Photography Festival

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Yesterday started off normal, but ended in sheer shish taouk chaos.

Every morning I saunter down to Queen to get a coffee and since I don’t have an office with a water cooler, I say hi to traffic cops, local florists, and the over zealous gay man who works at Starbucks. It’s very a la Sesame Street.

Back at the home office, there are usually 2 or 3 other people around, whether it’s SDTC writers or visiting friends, person dropping off a key, sister or random neighbour. It’s always fun to start the day off with a hypochondriac conversation. How many times have you heard this around your office?

”CoUGjiknVOujtrnoiesp”
“Oh do you have a cough?”
“Yeah. I’ve been taking Neo Citron but Ugfijeajkrogakgmhnjs it’s not getting better.”
“I have a cough too jijqmigovpakjlmfi90avowklgjfiovwma, I think it’s the poor quality air in this building.”
‘"Or maybe it’s all this accounting I’m doing&rdquo"
In unison: "Ha ha ha – ha ha ha!"

Yeah. You know what I’m talking about. So – we launch into a quick conversation on alleged measles outbreak.

”That’s really weird Kim, because just this morning I showed Jay this weird mark on my tummy and said, look at my measle.”

We don’t have measles, or polio – but these conversations always seem to make people feel more human and related to each other.

Following this was a mad rush to a therapist appointment. Feeling slightly overwhelmed as of late, I decided to test out therapy. It was my first meeting and amongst spewing all my concerns in a dizzying way around the room, I was asked to perform a psychological exercise. Let me explain a little – we all have different voices that run through our head – often described as devil and angel. Although I wouldn’t equate my dual forces to that, there are two serious people battling it out in my head; "Jen A", who I like to refer to as ‘Softy’, and "Jen B", who I like to refer to as ‘Crazy’. Recently, they’ve been quarrelling to no end. It’s very chaotic – hence this midday jaunt to the therapist.
So, back to the exercise – I was asked to separate the Jen’s and first sit on the right hand side of the couch and be “Jen A” talking, and then get up and move to the left hand side and be “Jen B.” It was ASTONISHING. “Jen A” broke down, cried and was incredibly emotional. “Jen B” was shallow and neither here nor there.

No I’m not schizophrenic, but WOW can you ever feel a little wonky acting that exercise out.

Next on the agenda was a very important meeting with our high school co-op student regarding her impending PROM. She wrote a piece, which will be posted on site next week, detailing the stresses and unrealistic expectations that surround this poignant mark of adulthood. She is worried about finding a date and there is still much debate and panic over who will be hosting the after party; so I volunteered. Kidding, but how fun would that be to re-live that drama.

In an attempt to calm her nerves I broke the big news that for many Prom is a complete and utter let down. It was sort of like shattering a child’s dreams of Santa Clause.

I started reminiscing back to my shit Prom with jerk face date, sleeping in tents in a field while the sounds of screwing and barfing echoed in the air. I HATED IT.

Anyway, I digress. Back to my afternoon of hard work, stepping in dog pee, filling a giant bucket with water and vinegar to mop up – spilling all over my body, literally smelling like a giant douche bag, sharing carrots with animals, and e-mailing famous female photographers. The day ended quickly and was followed by a mad tear up to Bloor to meet Danish documentary filmmaker, Michael Voer. I chose to meet him at Paupers – as it’s opposite the Bloor theatre, where Michael’s film was screening later that evening.

First mistake was to assume I’d recognize him off a square inch Facebook profile. Second mistake was to meet in possibly the largest pub West of Yonge. I must have asked ten different guys if their name was Michael – some said yes, which then got even more confusing. Others said " could be"; with a smug grin. Ha – very funny. So finally after appearing like the most desperate online blind dater, I finally met up with him.

Somehow within minutes of meeting, conversation turned from, “What made you become a filmmaker?” and “How do you like Toronto” to “Poppers is what people use to relax themselves before anal sex” and “I have the best sex with people who smell like me.”

At this point it was nearly midnight and I was starving, so concluded my evening with a quick run for Shish Taouk and violent cab hailing.

I was maniacally downing my messy shish in the back seat when we pulled up to the house. There was about three minutes of irrational pawing in my purse to come to the realization that I had no cash, even though I could have sworn I had just taken out money from the bank machine. In the dimly lit backseat, I couldn’t see properly so went into the house and did a complete dump of my purse: karaoke promo flyers, lip gloss, lip stick, lip balm, Vaseline, business cards, dirty pennies – NOT A DOLLAR TO BE FOUND. My mild hysteria was interrupted by angry honking. It was my husband locked behind the taxi. Phew – he must have money. Nope. So finally we had to drive around the corner to the 7/11, all the while apologizing profusely to the driver.

Finally home. Purse contents strewn within friends’ hair extensions forgotten from Saturday night and a pile of condoms. Thinking that my husband was just about to role his eyes at my ludicrous behaviour, he admitted to have just been coasting around different theatres in town looking for me as he was locked out.

Shish-Sheesh. Although there are festivals everywhere, concerts, fashion shows and green living exhibitions – sometimes the most interesting days are spent running down your list of errands, hanging in the neighbourhood and simply ‘doing’ the city.

Spring is busy. Have fun.

Jen

SWAN LAKE ON ICE GIVEAWAY

We have two tix for one lucky person to attend SWAN LAKE ON ICE this coming Wednesday, April 30th @ The Sony Centre, ahem ORCHESTRA SEATING!
Swan Lake on Ice is a highly polished performance by the Imperial Ice Stars who boast twenty five World and national championship skaters who between them have won over two hundred medals.

A romantic date, a wonderful gift – a night of beauty, enchantment and grace.
Valued at $80 / ticket.
E-mail contests@shedoesthecity.com , subject line SWAN LAKE. Winner will be notified 9AM on Monday.

Join Our Email List
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This past weekend, parks around the city opened up like story books and it appeared as though stepping two feet into the greenery was all people needed to forget about their crappy jobs, messy divorces, procrastinated assignments - or whatever was on their mind. I enjoyed observing all the park activities that seemed so calculated.

There was a girl in a pink polka dot dress who had carved out a plot of land to blow up colourful balloons and blow bubbles. I couldn't determine whether this was an activity meant for people to join or just some kind of artistic statement. Perhaps neither.

There were small families huddled on hills eating Chippy's whilst strange dogs circled around them begging and peeing.

Overambitious folks brought blankets, fruit, dried fruit, cashews, laptops, diaries and nail polish - attempting to force themselves to stay put, but I wondered if all these items scattered around them were simply a decoy to watch others.

My favourite was the eight year old with braces and a Hannah Montana shirt who was cashing in on home made Lemonade.
"$2 a glass of fresh squeezed Lemonade, proceeds go to my riding class"
$2? What is this Starbucks? I was thirsty so chugged one down and had a quick conversation with the budding entrepreneur.
"You are going to make a killing today."
"I know." she smugly remarked.

Yes, the park is a highly civilized thing to do on a carefree Saturday or Sunday


After lounging around a park hoping to be noticed or eavesdropping on others, tap some of this shizack:

THURSDAY

LIFELIKE @ THE SOCIAL

Hosted by A.D/D and MTV's Johnny Hockin, New Wave Electro Frenchies, LIFELIKE will be doing a DJ SET at THE SOCIAL

The perfect back drop for those of you who just aced your last exam and are hitting the town so hard you will be burning tracks through it, just as LIFELIKE will burn tracks through you to the extreme degree that the ice in your vodka soda will melt and you will wish you had worn cuter undies.  
http://www.myspace.com/lifelikevulture
You will also pulsate around to:
www.myspace.com/swearwordsyo
www.johnnyhockin.com
1100 Queen West

Yellow Pills @ Augusta House

The chills, the pills, the thrills - who doesn't want to try a yellow pill? It's better than a blue one.

For those who physically want to smash electro mash ups; switch it up already and make your moves to Cheap Trick, The Byrds, Elvis Costello and The New Pornographers

152A Augusta
$5 - cover, $3 - drinks before 11

FRIDAY

MADE SHOW @ The Gladstone

Fine art and Utilitarian objects - ooh.

Discover and celebrate design and the process of design - especially for all you wankers that exclusively buy big box furniture.

Cocktail opening - 6PM - 11PM, show remains all weekend (Sat noon-10PM, Sun noon - 7PM)

FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
www.madeshow.com
1214 Queen West

Inside Out Gay and Lesbian Film Festival 'PROGRAM' Launch Party @ The Gladstone

See how much Gay and Lesbians know how to party? They throw a pre-launch party, announcing the launch.

Expect a silent auction with titillating offers; Way Cool Tattoo, Barbie's Basement Jewellery, Fairmont Royal York Romps, Gladstone Gaffatape, John Fluevog shoes and special TIFF packages

With Drag Queen Donnarama, there's sure to be Dramarama
1214 Queen West
6:30 - 11:00 PM

CRUSH PARTY @ Marben

Oh - doesn't this sound delicious. Looking for a shag? This is probs your best bet. Go to www.justacrush.ca and send an anonymous note to the co-worker you are currently salivating over and then you will all show up and say, "I HAVE NO IDEA WHO INVITED ME BUT THIS IS FUN!!". Watch out, because you may get tipsy and then start whispering in people's ears, 'I secretly have a crush on you', but then it will be easy, because they will say, "I know. Wanna make out?"

Or at least that's what I imagine happening.

Feeling single? Then MINGLE! (There will even be fun NOT DORKY games to help make all of this smooth over like butter)
488 Wellington St. W
Send your crush a note now! www.justacrush.ca

WRONG BAR for all you Parkdale Motherfuckers (the one's who attend and the one's who on occasion host or DJ?? Me no know.)

DJ Shine  / Syntonics / Fierce Helder with special performance by Fritz Helder and the Phantoms

A night for dirty girls who love dirtier boys

Grinding with a beer and greasy hair! Yawwww bring it!
1279 Queen St. W
$10

Jet Set Motel @ Silver Dollar

Panic on the streets of Toronto, HANG THE DJ and give me a god damn band already!

For those a little less electro and a little more rock - a lineup of sweet bands @ The Silver Dollar

www.myspace.com/davidpicco
www.myspace.com/invasionmusic
www.myspace.com/viciousdelicious
www.myspace.com/hamiltonjawbone

$6 at the door - 486 Spadina Ave.

It's a NON STOP Dance Party in The Drake Underground

and if you stop you will have to stand in the corner with a dunce cap drinking Grand Marnier out of a cup backwards..okay I lie.

Nonstop w/ Grahmzilla (Thunderheist) & Fistfight (Nacho Lovers)

I will not stop dancing, I will not stop dancing, I will not stop dancing.
1150 Queen West

SWITCHING SWITCH AND GETTING VANDALISED @ CIRCA

Since a contingency of readers have recently been unleashed from surviving on coke and KD, roughing it through exams and freaking out about procrastinated assignments and cheating boyfriends, I thought I'd do a special ode to CIRCA

CIRCA!!!!!!!!!!! Get sloshed to rough electro tracks that will make you feel like a magnetic jigsaw puzzle uncontrollably jerking around, freakishly pulling you towards hot boys with scruff on their face that smell like sex.

Local DJ's VND/LSM will be joined by UK BURNS

Messy is an understatement.

www.myspace.com/vndlsm
www.myspace.com/thisisburns

SATURDAY

BUY DESIGN FOR WINDFALL @ The Distillery

A swank and stylish affair at The Fermenting Cellar that will play tribute to the Warhol days of Studio 54, and raise money for Windfall Clothing Service

Windfall Clothing provides new clothing to homeless people and local shelters

Limited tix available @ The Door for $80

I'm going to tout this as the most fashionable and fun spring fundraiser party of '08.

55 Mill St - 8PM

Toronto's Poetry Slam's Face-Rockin Finals @ HUGH'S ROOM

I went to one of these expecting to be slightly irritated by mimes wearing jazz hats, but it was nothing like I expected, and on the contrary LOVED IT!

Laughs, near tears, a very raucous crowd - you will enjoy whether you love or detest poetry

www.torontopoetryslam.com

8-11PM, 2261 Dundas St. W
10 advance, 12 door
For advance call this number - 416-531-6604

FORGET IT @ Teranga

I used to have this problem where every Sunday started with a series of apologetic phone calls. That's not a problem at FORGET IT, because you have a lenient license to misbehave and launch into annoying discourse on how you hate this, or wah wah that - and the next day FORGET ABOUT IT.

Love the names of DJ's on the roster, sounds like an incestual family - Pat C, Hi Mom, Hard Dough & #1 Dad

Smut electro and Salacious Disco = Get Wet and Forget

Dy'nasty @ The Gladstone

Advertised as: If disco screwed house and made electro babies bathed in delicious galactic goo...then those babies would be at this party. And they would be really drunk.

Hmm - sounds like Forget It but with bigger hair and more magical unicorns on crack.

Toss a coin. One venue is a shitbox of intimacy, the other has a side bar of cougar Karaoke.
1214 Queen West
www.myspace.com/dynastyparty

ALL WEEKEND LONG

THE ELLE SHOW @ Direct Energy Centre for girlie girls who could go into near debt with a frenzied spree around Shoppers Drug Mart

Expect Fashion Shows, Products to Try, New Looks, New Clothes and to leave with a bag full of lotions and potions to test out

More Info: http://www.elleshow.ca/index.shtml

In door two at the Exhibition Place is

THE GREEN LIVING SHOW

With over 400 exhibitors displaying new products to learn about and sample, if you don't leave here more green, than you deserve to live with the Smoggies.

Some stands you may like to stroll on buy with your little green thumb:

Aveda, Chez Vous Dining, Bullfrog Power, Ecstatic Jewellery by Heather Frize, Lee Valley Tools, The Healthy Butcher and Big Carrot

More Info: http://www.greenlivingshow.ca/

HOT DOCS

Do NOT miss out on the last half of HOT DOCS

Shedoesthecity is a proud sponsor of the VESTERBRO

Screening tonight 9:30 PM @ The Royal

Thursday 11:59 @ The Bloor

Director Michael Noer documents the ups and downs of a young couple in Copenhagen. A very honest and non-glamourized look at sex, love and dealing with tough shit in your twenties.

Also be sure to check out our Special Feature on Women Directors at HOT DOCS:
shedoesthecity.com/special/hotdocs

GIVEAWAY to THREE LUCKY PEOPLE WITH GOOD TASTE IN MUSIC

TOKYO POLICE CLUB  - ELEPHANT SHELL

The little band from Newmarket hit the world hard with their post punk debut album, A LESSON IN CRIME and now TOKYO POLICE CLUB are back in full force with - ELEPHANT SHELL

Want it? E-mail contests@shedoesthecity.com subject line ARREST ME, and we will hook up a few lucky winners.

Tokyo Police Club will be playing in Toronto May 2nd and 3rd at The Opera House - SOLD OUT BOTH NIGHTS, be prepared to beg & barter

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Last weekend, I went to Orangeville to test out the Llama and Alpaca festival. Beyond being ridiculed by every teen employee at numerous Tim Hortons 'we are lost' stops, I showed up at 3PM, and to my dismay all the HUNDREDS of llamas and alpacas were gone. Sad. There was only one left, and her name was Serenity. However, after a weekend of being pinched, prodded and pestered – Serenity was anything but.

This weekend, I'm not worried about any let downs – barnyard or otherwise. If I may be frank, it's a cultural f*ck fest, and I'm going to get it every way it comes.

THURSDAY

Poem In Your Pocket Day

Initiated by the NYC education board, this is a day where everyone carries a poem in their pocket. You can participate to – just write a poem, stick it in your pocket and then in the middle of your 9AM board meeting, stand up – interrupt and shout out Kerouac to your colleagues. If they look at you funny or want to fire you – inform them that it's poem in your pocket day- duh!

Poem in your pocket, poem in your pocket, poem in your pocket. (my new song based on Capital One commercials)

http://www.nyc.gov/html/poem

69 Vintage – new store to open with a – get ready for it – VINTAGE BY THE POUND SALE! Oh my!

I'm all for putting on the pounds in this case!

1234 Bloor St. W

Starting Thursday all the way to Sunday – make room in your closet.

The I Spies @ Tattoo Rock Parlour

I spy with my little eye a hot indie band from Toronto. (I refer to the music and the men).

Go dance and celebrate end of school? Beginning of a warm weekend? Your love for Brit Pop that's not from Britain? You choose.

Doors @ 8PM

8 Dollars
567 Queen St. West

I hear with my little ear something that is nice:

http://www.myspace.com/theispies

Ode To Ryerson

Maybe I'll write a poem about this phenomenal school for my pocket on Thursday. I've recently been having a love affair with Ryerson. It's full of raw talent, it knows how to dance, dress and put on a good show. Speaking of which there isn't just one, not two, but three Ryerson happenings on Thursday eve.

1. Delimited Fashion

Elaine Fleck Gallery – 859 College St.

4th year fashion students, mixed media and communication students are having a show and celebrating their work and end of school year

Note to snobby fashionistas – some of the best Canadian labels start at Ryerson, and that's a fact

6PM – 9PM

2. Photography Student Exhibit

Gladstone Rotunda, 2nd Floor – 1214 Queen West

7PM – 11PM

3. Image Art Students, End of Gallery Shows After Party

Drake Underground – 1150 Queen West

$5

Also, check our write up on site by Rachel Miadovnik on Ryerson Fourth Year Fashion Show – MASS EXODUS

FRIDAY

Goin' Steady @ The Gladstone

This time, it's a Friday Night Fish Fry! Dive in, get wet and pretend you are June Clever on Speed.

St. Francis of Assisi would be proud.

50's and 60's dance party

$5 before 11PM, $10 after
1214 Queen St. West

Edumacation with SKRATCH BASTID in the Drake Underground

The amount of times I push people to go dance to SKRATCH BASTID, you would assume he's a good friend of mine. However, he is not but I have no problem promoting extraordinary talent, especially the kind that makes you want to levitate off the ground and dance backwards in your underwear.

1150 Queen West

10 PM until you sweat your clothes a pale yellow and start macking a stranger

http://djfase.podomatic.com/

Champion Sound @ Supermarket
268 Augusta Avenue

Champion Sound – a new party concentrating on Dancehall, Hip Hop and R&B – it's about bloody time through a night full of real booty shaking, bump and grind tunes. Can't wait to shake my ass as tight and fast as I possibly can. (Third favourite thing to do, following costumes and red wine…and yes I do do red wine)

Thrown by those who brought us Santa Cruz..you can't go wrong.

Expect Shabba Ranks, Sean Paul and Beenie Man

Take a listen. I dare you to start getting down in your cubicle.

http://championsound.muxtape.com/
268 Augusta Avenue

SAT

DIPLO @ WRONG BAR

Diplo (aka The Electro Pop, Dirty South, Mash Up Master) will (insert dirty verb) you to (insert raunchy adverb) (insert dirty verb #2) with (place nonsensical adjective here) (follow up with a mystifying noun).

Example 1: Diplo will FORCE you to SKILLFULLY HANG with LUMINESCENT KANGAROOS

Example 2: Diplo will PULSATE you to FEAVERISHLY MANIPULATE with SALTY PLAY-DO

Example 3: Diplo will URINATE you to HEAVENLY JIVING with LONG RULER

Yep, being a grade three teacher was my second calling but most importantly Diplo makes grammar hot! Huh? NO QUESTIONS!

1279 Queen St. West, 9PM – tix are sold out suckers – BUT if you arrive early and whine like a drunk chimpanzee in heat – you may get one of the reserved at door tix

BASE WAR @ VENUE Z (formerly White Orchid)

Vaneska, SYNTONIC DJs, Tomi le Filth, Adolf Glitter and Errol – A six DJ lineup = guaranteed smackdown

Try something new for a change!

$7 cover or $5 if you arrive in a group of 3 or more, ooh marketing tactics

812 Dundas St. West

Lust For Kicks @ Room 751

That's 751 Queen West

Adam, Jeff, Dari and Erica are going to be there? Who else do I see in my mirror? (reference to Size Small Island for those born pre 1983, but not fair really because only those born after 1983 will be attending this unless you are such a hipster that you age younger as you age)

$5, bring your ID – bouncer at the door is SERIOUS. I've seen him carry people around.

SUNDAY

Cutesy Vintage @ HOT SHOT

End your weekend with another Vintage Clothing hoarding situation.

What is more titillating vintage by the pound or a vintage clothing auction?

From 11-6PM try on a dress while licking a cup cake and lapping a latte. (Okay, ease up on the alliteration already! But it's poem day tomorrow and I'm excited! – dual identities, Madge and Midge quarrelling)

4 PM is the auction. I'm really hoping for a true auctioneer who repeats everything sixteen times at mile a minute, prices start at $2 – the less people you tell, the better off you'll be! But that's mean.

ALL WEEKEND LONG – HOT DOCS!

HOT DOCS FESTIVAL BEGINS THIS THURSDAY AND RUNS UNTIL APRIL 27TH

This is the best festival to get both educated, entertained and gain new perspective. With 170 docs hailing from all over the world, that cover a cornucopia of topics – take a deep breath:

Gender and Sexuality, Mental Health, Activism & Protest, Crime & Punishment, Russian Culture, Jewish Culture, Island Culture, Culture Culture, Spirituality, Globalization, War and Conflict, American Politics, Journalists and the Media, Bananas, Hair, it goes on and on.

Shedoesthecity has added a special section dedicated to Hot Docs and specifically honouring Women Directors from around the world. This week we are profiling interviews from the following directors:

Cynthia Lester – My Mother's Garden

Pietra Brettkelly – The Art Star and the Sudanese Twins

Tracey Deer – Club Native

Nicky Gogan – Seaview

The following Tuesday, we will flip to profile four more women Directors and their respective mind-blowing films.

The section can be found in Hot Docs tab off landing page, amongst the main section headings.

www.shedoesthecity.com

Shedoesthecity is a proud sponsor of VESTERBRO.

The Hot Docs screenings of VESTERBRO will be the North American debut of this Copenhagen documentary which chronicles the relationship of twenty something couple Julie and Martin. Director Michael Noer, takes us into their hearts and under the covers of this very raw and honest portrayal of a young couple figuring out life and each other whilst drinking, screwing and learning through trial and error.

Filmmaker will be attending both screenings, and SDTC will be arranging post drink (and post analysis) for Royal Screening on April 23 @ 9:30 PM and pre drink, (pre-love) for Bloor Screening on April 24 @ 11:59PM. If you'd like to join us for the festivities and talk doc, please e-mail contests@shedoesthecity.com for a chance to receive double pass for one of the screenings.

Wanna check out the trailer? Go to our home page.

Xo,

J

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“Bicycle, bicycle, bicycle…I want to ride my bicycle! I want to ride it now!” - Freddie Mercury from Queen, and also myself this past weekend.

Aside from actually biking around, what I love about this time of year is being able to identify the different bike sub-cultures in Toronto. There are several strong groups which I will take a fun, and possibly offensive, stab at stereotyping :

The Athletes

The athletic bike crowd always has a Nalgene water bottle and granola bar on hand. They are the one's who make use of the Leslie Street Spit and DVP bike trails. They hang out at Mountain Equipment Co-op, love big brunches and have good skin. I admire them, but don't care to meet them for a drink.

Hipster Chicks

The girls who cycle around perfectly poised on painted bikes with pretty baskets and flowers. They aspire to collect fresh fruit from Kensington and carefully follow their bicycle trip up with an organic salad. They often wear skirts, no bras – have beautiful hair that blows behind them – and essentially give every guy a hard on, while they delicately ride around dreaming they are artists in Provence.

The Forever Student Guy

No matter whether he's 19 or 34, this guy always looks like he belongs on campus. He has scruffy facial hair, is everybody's crush at the office, and quite likely mucks around in a band. He's sweet and it's obvious that when he visits his mom he buys  her flowers. He rides his bike everywhere and occasionally puffs a joint while discovering new neighbourhoods or trails. He will likely have one of those really cool Freitag man purses. (See #17 below)

The Overly Sexual Environmental Activists

They enjoy riding around naked on kooky bikes. They are huge cycle advocates, have punk hairdo's and um… eat fire.

The Working Girls

They peddle with their heels on and i-POD blasting. They are often the ones who yell out FUCK YOU to cars who open their doors too fast – as they aren't really road ready, but like to think they are. They sweat like crazy going to the office – and then make sure to tell everyone from the mailroom dude to the VP that they bike to work every day. They slosh on some deodorant, sit down with a latte, put a Band-Aid on their ankle and then usually open their e-mail with a loud WTF shout out.

Hot Dads

Oooh – you know who I'm talking about. You see them with their toddlers strapped to back. They are handsome like Dr. McDreamy, buy their kidlets ice cream – but you'd like to lick them and wake up in their Spring clean scented sheets. Ahh.

The list goes on – but the important thing to note is for every type – there is something in this city available, be it a club, screening, special tour etc. Here are twenty bike bits and bites.

1) I Bike T.O. clothing

The perfect tote to hold your library card, bike lock, almonds and notebook. Ah…you good citizen you.

Purchase at: http://bikingtoronto.spreadshirt.com

Also available in Tees & Hoodies

2) PEE-WEE's BIG ADVENTURE

Celebrate biking by watching everyone's favourite biking perverted weirdo – Pee-Wee's Big Adventure with your favourite local bands! (yes I know a little strange, but exciting)

Screening is put on by The Toronto Cyclists Union and local celebs will be there to re-enact Pee-Wees adventure, yes – I think I have this right.

This crew includes members of Broken Social Scene, Hidden Cameras, Apostle of Hustle, Gentleman Reg, the Phonemes,  Kids on TV, Republic of Safety and Sook Yin Lee

MARK MAY 29th in your calendars NOW – 7 PM @ THE BLOOR

3) DUKES OVERCOMES HAZZARD

The Queen West Fire burnt it down to the ground, but Duke's has risen from the dead and is now located at

452 Richmond Street West, just west of  Spadina

Having been around since 1914, Duke's is the authority on biking.

4) BIKING TIPS FROM THE STARS

Rachel McAdams has been spotted biking in Toronto and gives green tips on the blog she runs with two friends http://www.greenissexy.org/about/

5) FREE COFFEE FOR BIKE PEOPLE

On the last Friday of every month, free coffee from 8:00am to 9:30 a.m. at Alternative Grounds Café 333 Roncesvalles if you're wearing a bike helmet or have other evidence that you biked there. If you don't bike, and walk there with a bike helmet just to get a free coffee – then I feel sorry for you.

6)TORONTO CYCLISTS UNION

www.bikeunion.to set to start this year!.

A club for those who want to be completely tapped in to everything bike wise and be active advocates for biking in Toronto

7) WENCHES WITH WRENCHES

Run by Community Bicycle Network, this is a course where women volunteers teach other women about bike fit, bike parts, and how to fix flat tires, brakes, and gears

Four week courses, once a week from 6:30 to 8:30

Next session runs on Thursdays from May 8th to 29th, drop by 761 Queen St. West suite 101 between Monday and Friday from 12-6 or Sat 12-3 to sign up, $40 to register

8) GUCCI BIKE

Get you limited edition bicycle in honour of Beijing olympics,  painted in communist red.

Over $3000 – ha!

Other Gucci Beijing specialities??

http://www.gucci.com/

9) BMX WATCHING

Wallace Emerson Park for best BMX riding in the city, Dufferin and Dupont area

http://www.torontobmx.ca/ 

-cool kids doing tricks

-started partially functioning this weekend after a fire a couple of weeks ago

10) Secret Laneway Tours

 Make your weekend extra special!

Secret Laneway Tours

Toronto Laneway Tours, run by Graeme Parry, does four different tours through alleyways

>http://www.graemeparry.com/

11) CUTE GIFTS FOR BIKEAHOLICS

Janet Attard loves biking so much that she started a series of hand painted bike apparel

Located in Studio S26, 401 Richmond St. West

A nice present for your granola friend.

12) BIKE FASHION

It's a cool blog about sexy bike fashion

Copenhagen Cycle Chic:  http://copenhagengirlsonbikes.blogspot.com/

13) JOIN A CAUSE

Bells on Bloor campaign for a Bloor bike lane

You might have noticed bike lanes being painted last year on Bloor by renegade painters, part of the campaign to have a bike lane stretching along Bloor

The next Bells on Bloor Ride will be on Sunday May 25th

Bring bring bring – yay bike rebellion!

14) Critical Mass – (giant bike parade hoopla)

 6:00pm-8:00pm every last Friday of month, meet at Bloor and Spadina at 6:00 for ride at 6:30

It's just fun to do anything mass – mass pie eating contest, mass big hair day, mass pug congregation – see?

15) GAY BIKE CLUB

Gay West Bicycle Club, Sunday rides of approximately 5 hours, Sunday April 27th Spring has Sprung Ride

Put the Fun Between Your Legs – oooh so sassy.

Contact Bryen at: