Imports vs. Domestics

While we’ve busied ourselves arguing over – and in some particularly pathetic cases, donning the t-shirts – Team Jolie versus Team Aniston, sexiest woman alive Angelina Jolie has slowly but surely imported a football team sized family of reinforcements. With the sexiest man (if you dig men prettier than you are) casually strewn off her tattooed arm, Brangelina is set on world takeover.

And frankly, I’m ready. They’re superhot, they produce a steady stream of mediocre films, they’re politically astute, and superhot. But, like the Greek gods that preceded them, I fear the looming wrath of family politics-to-be. Though simply accessories now, the future sits uneasily on the little multi-coloured fingers of Maddox, Zahara, the golden child, that new one, and the twins. Like a real-life celebrity-themed game of Risk, who will inherit the kingdom?

Player One: Maddox Chivan, Cambodian orphan. Acquired 2001 with then-husband Billy Bob Thornton. Pros include status as eldest, likely controlling with evil sense of entitlement. Media-savvy with stylish and much-copied faux-hawk. Championed celebrity adoption movement. Cons: old news, thin legs, Billy Bob Thornton-factor.

Round Two: Zahara Marley, aged 3. Born in Ethiopia, original name unknown. Pros: first baby adopted by Brad, future bootiliciousness, America’s deep-rooted fear of Black people. Cons: middle child syndrome plus disrupted birth order equals disaster. Birth mother still alive and likely story-selling. Sub-par red carpet fashion sense.

The Blood: Shiloh Nouvel, b. 2006 in Namibia. Pros: First appearance worth millions. Only infant immortalized at wax museum. Inevitable extreme good looks. Inherited mother’s witch-powers. Cons: Privilege (which doesn’t sell). Admiration turned resentment from rest of world. Lack of fulfillment of the “little girl lost” variety.

The Under(cut)dog: Pax Thien, Vietnamese orphan, born 2003. Pros: Asian street fighting skills, luscious peek-a-boo locks. Cons: Often indistinguishable from Maddox. Name change at four/possible split identity disorder. Alternative persona, however, is likely a ninja (this is a pro).

Double Trouble: The twins, born in France, 2008. Pros: superior genes, telepathic superpowers, inevitable sitcom child-stardom. Cons: creepy twin factor, natural competitive nature, born in France.

Though this loyal subject is eagerly awaiting some serious blood and gore, I must begrudgingly add my disapproval of infant violence and subsequent vote for peace (and for Brad to wear the gladiator outfit). May the Jolie-Pitts reign of familial love be as long and supreme as the Kennedys, the McCartneys, or my family. For in this time of terrorism and adoption, we can all be winners: except for Jennifer Aniston, obviously.