Okay. Here is a list of the things I have been late for in recent memory:

  • Two different dates with the same person (who actually gave me a bit of a repressed murderer vibe in the end, sooo, we’re even?) (Just kidding.) (I hope I’m kidding.)
  • An improv workshop that I had been looking forward to for a while, and which included a fucking all-you-can-eat taco buffet.
  • Writing this article (Ha! Ha! Right, Jen?).
  • My day job, almost every day.
  • Waking up in the morning, to such an extent that I usually end up hauling myself out of bed 10 minutes before I need to leave the house and spending the rest of the day stumbling around in my pyjama top with mascara flakes under one eye (which is basically the equivalent of wearing a sandwich board that says, “I’M NOT DOING WELL,” and standing on a street corner in your ex-boyfriend’s neighbourhood).
  • Meeting friends. All of the friends.
  • Yoga. It’s fucking with my Prana.

I hate being late. I hate it. It makes my tummy hurt and my teeth clench, and whenever it happens I spend the entire journey to wherever it is that I’m already supposed to be muttering some mantra along the lines of, “I suck, I suck, I suck, I suck,” and vowing that this will never happen again. Which basically means that I’m spending a good chunk of my life both hating and lying to myself. And like, I am not an expert on mental health, but I’m pretty sure that’s not…you know…it.

But, luckily for me the world is black and white, and extrapolation works perfectly 100 percent of the time—so all I need to do to fix this problem is the exact opposite of everything I’m doing right now. (This is entirely logical and makes complete sense, and I encourage you not to think about it any harder than you already have.) So, I have compiled my results into a list of handy tips and tricks. Read on, and soon you too can cultivate an air of breezy punctuality!*

Shauna’s Time Management Tips for Punctual Humans

  1. Have important places to be. This is definitely not something I do—unless you call sitting in Futures Bakery in full makeup, scoping dudes, and “working on my novel” an important place to be, in which case, BRB GUYZ I HAVE A PRESSING ENGAGEMENT TO ATTEND.
  2. Like your job. I mean, I like my job. But the other day I knelt down on a poopy diaper right at the start of an eight hour shift, and that’s just not what I’m planning to do for the rest of my life, you know?
  3. Be a morning person. I once dated a guy who was a morning person. He was one of the most productive, self-motivated people I’ve ever known, and I really admired him. He also woke me up before 8am every single fucking day—including Sunday—and wore an embroidered red satin bathrobe to perform all his morning tasks, so I dumped him, but you know. You win some, you lose some.
  4. Be your own boss. Then you can schedule everything to start after noon and make sure it includes martinis! #sexandthecity
  5. Don’t drink coffee. I can only assume this would help. I’ve been so successfully indoctrinated by the Starbucks Hetero-Patriarchy (™) that I literally cannot fathom starting my day without coffee. I miss busses waiting for my French press to steep; I botch transfers darting into that coffee shop/hole in the Bathurst subway station; I try to bike long distances with a travel mug in one hand. I’m a twitchy loser, is what I’m getting at. So if it’s not too late for you, maybe stick with lemon water.
  6. Have perfect hair that always does what it’s supposed to and never grows weird sideburns overnight. But if you do have that perfect hair, I hate you.
  7. Have oodles of money and shop at Banana Republic or whatever. This means that the clothes you buy will be new and therefore clean, and you won’t find yourself in a situation where you are utterly convinced that the only shirt you could possibly wear on the date you have in an hour and a half on the other side of town is the one you just bought at Value Village, which is almost definitely infested with bed bugs and which, in any case, smells like an old man died in it, leading you to make an ill-advised, last-minute trip to the laundromat, and show up to your date 20 minutes late dressed like an octogenarian.
  8. Don’t own liquid eyeliner. Just don’t.

Happy travels, everyone, and good luck!

*Please note that I have in no way tested or verified any of these. I did, however, arrive 10 minutes early to a scheduled appointment after finishing this article! So, either I’ve hit on something here, or soooomeone has a crush on her gynecologist’s receptionist. Possibly both.