Rogue Vogue

This is an unassailable fact. People blessed with two different colour eyes ooze cool. David Bowie, the smoothest cat of this century has them. As does Jane Seymour of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, the gutsiest broad of the fictional nineteenth century. And while I think I could rest my case rather convincingly with Dr. Quinn, I will forge onwards.

Pheromones go batty for hints of pre homo-sapien evolutionary existence and, like a subtle scent of b.o. or a sprinkling of stubble on armpits, there’s something undeniably primal about two different coloured eyes.

One brown eye, one blue eye: clearly you’re half husky. Awhoooo. Let’s go roll in the snow and tug sleds around (wink, wink). One green eye, one hazel eye: you’re like a chameleon blending into a tropical fern (catch me if you can). One red eye, one yellow eye: you’re the spawn of Satan. Doesn’t get hotter than that.

For those of us born with same ol’ same ol’ matching eyes – curse my dull perfectly symmetrical face – welcome to the wonderful world of colour contacts. Not only can you get sky blue, but for added fierceness mix a Skull & Cross Bones lens with a Spider on a Web style. Or support our troops by sporting an army fatigue patterned lens.

Livid with jealousy, your friends might complain: “I can’t concentrate on this conversation. Your diamond shaped pupil is giving me the heebie jeebies.”

How parochial!

Eye contact is overrated. Who needs it when you are fully entitled to sashay about the dance floor every time that New Order’s Temptation comes on? “Oh, you’ve got green eyes. Oh, you’ve got blue eyes. Oh, you’ve got graaaaaay eyes.”

Yes, you’ve never met anyone quite like me before. Well, except for Dr. Quinn.

by Lizzie
To attract those with a brains & beauty fetish, there’s no need to invest in head to toe sexy librarian attire. Wool tights are scratchy, and besides, didn’t your mother ever teach you that less is more? No ladies, the secret to conveying an irresistible vibe of detached intellectualism is just the slightest smattering of newspaper ink on your fingertips.

While you may assume that a look of informed worldliness would be best achieved by reading a report on the status of Sudanese refugees in The Globe’s Focus Section, the accoutrement of choice is a free weekly: cheap ink and colour equals ease of application. This weekly should be kept alongside the eyelash curler and liquid foundation in your boudoir’s most accessible drawer. Run your fingers up and down the shemale ads for bonus pleasure.

Once you’ve gussied up your digits, head to one of these locations.
A. A bookstore café
B. A protest against tuition fee hikes
C. The baguette basket at a bakery
D. The photocopy machine at the city archives
E. A cinema screening a Woody Allen film, preferably Annie Hall
F. The billy bookcase section of Ikea

Wait for your prey. He can best be detected by an overflowing bag with papers caught in the zippers, corduroy pants and a generally disheveled manner. When he approaches draw attention to your lustworthy fingertips, then use one of these unfailing pickup lines.
At Café: Please pass me THAT Biscotti (pointing with elongated finger). I must repair my blood sugar levels. I’m so infuriated by this article on the rampant nationalist bigotry in Switzerland. Speaking of which, would you like to have fondue?

At City Archives: Won’t be long, I’m just making three copies (make three sign with fingers) of this editorial on urban sprawl in China. It will be a fitting accompaniment for my book club’s study of Jan Wong’s Beijing Confidential. I’m very curious about sprawling. Would you like to sprawl on top of me?
Don’t worry if you can’t actually sustain a conversation on the policies of the Swiss People’s Party. Once he sees your soiled fingers, he’ll melt.
Remember the two golden rules of newspaper ink fingertip fashionistas:
One, never mention that you were reading a Rebecca Eckler article.
Two, make sure to wash your hands in that pivotal moment between seduction and third base. Ink mixed with vaginas can make for an itchy situation.

Given that the Vitamin D as elixir of life hypothesis has been rockin’ the pop science pages these days, bra strap burns were bound to make a comeback. Now is the time to defy your concerned friends’ and lovers’ oh so unfashionable attempts to slather your back with SPF 40 and brand yourself with lingerie*.

Much like getting bangs or getting married, the choice of what bra to wear with which tank top in preparation of your self-fry session should not be taken lightly. If you are of a burn first, fade into perma-tan later complexion, this decision may have summer long ramifications.

Straight straps will grant you a classic beauty air, very Catherine Deneuve or Miley Cyrus in her naughty pics. Though I find those who use ultimate frisbee skills as a wooing mechanism to be a particularly annoying breed (enough with the tackling, go screw him already!), I will extend the advice that they should use the sports bra burn to their full advantage. Its extra coverage will result in extra wow factor at the striking juxtaposition of pale and fiery.

Once the bra / tank top combo is chosen, proceed to an activity where you are pleasantly distracted from the fact that solar rays are slamming your body at a speed of 186,000 miles per second. Drink beer on a patio. I recommend the Black Bull, where your red shoulders will speak volumes to the fools waiting in line: “Yes, I’ve been here for four hours already and, though I may resemble a parched lobster, no, I don’t intend to give up my coveted chair anytime soon.”

Or, catch the gay pride parade where it’s fully appropriate to discard your tank top (an ideal opportunity to score the elusive full bra burn). Don’t forget candids with your male equivalents, the leather chaps burned bear and the Super Soaker holster burn dude.

Preserving the memory of your burn while posing for your friend’s wedding album in a strapless bridesmaid dress is a fashion forward touch. Nothing says you’ve reached the echelons of burn strap style like a mother-of-the-bride screeching, “OMG what happened to your back???”

When you’ve reached the peeling stage, put Weezer’s Sweater Song on the stereo and ask your lover to adjust his / her back scratching intensity according to its crescendo. The serpent like shedding of skin is way hotter than the unraveling of a sweater, but since I’ve yet to hear a song about a peeling back it’ll have to do. Some emo group should get on that, no?

* Rogue Vogue holds no responsibility for those who gain asymmetrical and / or hairy moles as a result of this trend, though she does predict that such skin anomalies will be THE look of Fall ‘08

Nothing says, “I’m going to blow you and swallow your cum” like wine lips. It is a mark of inebriation, but also a way to draw attention to your luscious lips and let him know that you have more to offer than missionary; and you don’t mind getting a little sassy when you are sauced.

Experiment – try an earthy Merlot for a romantic affair and perhaps a Pinot Noir when you are a feeling a wee bit more daring. Accent wine lips with the seasons most sizzling lip colours – fuchsia, neon pink or a highlighter orange.

When he leans in for a kiss, don’t be surprised if he starts to slowly rotate his tongue around the corners of your mouth, to get a hint of the Dordogne vineyards.

Wine lips gives you more expression for your titillating whispers:

”My name is Kelly, but I go by ‘k’”
“I like playing ping pong on Sundays”
“Me and the river, we flow together.”

…or whatever is on your mind, red inked lips will make it darker, moodier and more vamp.

Sometimes other correlations are drawn to the smudge of sin on your mouth – like your female menstruation blood. When he looks at your tainted lips, what he’ll really be thinking about is your below the belt lips wet and in heat.

So next time some dishrag bitch says, “Wipe your mouth!” – simply retort with.

”LICK THE DRUNK BLOOD OFF MY FACE!”

No doubt, someone will give you their number, if they aren’t already tapping your ass with their hard on, under the bar.

by Jen McNeely

Taking cues from sexy prick Dr. House, the cane is now an accessory that you can lean on whether you have arthritis or not.

Oak hook, black shaft, bone carved, light weight – the choices and styles to choose from are endless. Further, be sure to hold firm to a cane with a name that is truly an extension of self: The Duke, My Lord, The Brier Rabbit, and The Connoisseur – the cane’s personality should match the cultured and high class woman you are.

Let the cane walk you while you swivel your hips side to side. If you’re feeling brash enough, do a foxy three point twist around the cane while waiting for the light to change.

At the club, let the cane lead you to the dance floor, cut a circle like a compass and once you have marked your territory, slide the cane between your legs and ride with some hard pumping Jay-Z in the background. It’s the transportable pole dancing, that with cheerleading talent can even double as a baton to twist and twirl in front of on looking admirers.

What’s even more terrific about this sturdy, at your side prop is that you can use it as a weapon. If he dares to slap your ass uninvited - stick it to them, literally.

“Well hellooooooooooooo there, I’m not in a rush”– is the sultry message a cane sends when you push open a door at a boardroom meeting and then continue to use it as a pointer to emphasize key bullet points or company objectives. Co-workers appreciate signs of eccentricity, and beyond this a cane simply evokes money…similar to the pirates patch.

The pointing use of a cane is not reserved for flip charts and PowerPoint’s, but equally as helpful to outcast litter thugs on the street. Push the potato chip bag with the footing of the cane and slide it right over to that piggish polluter’s foot. With a gentle tap and a raised eyebrow, your point will be made in a tactful and poignant manner. If he responds with a low grunt and a shrug, be sure to accidentally tilt the cane in his direction upon exit. As he stumbles and falls to the ground, simply remark that you have zero tolerance for those who dispose of their waste with such haste and disregard.

On the dance floor, at the office, or doing some sophisticated walking on a Sunday afternoon in the park – the cane is the ultimate way to appear cultured, dapper and with a little ‘make way for my entrance’ avant garde cool.

Move over you strutting stand tall bitch, this season is all about the limp and the gimp.

The Must-Have Spring Look
Article by Lauren Valentine

Brace yourself – metal mouth is on the rise and orthodontics are becoming more popular (and sexier!) then ever. In fact, an article published in early 2008 declared some 4 million people in Canada and the US wear orthodontic braces, and an estimated 1 million (25%) of these people are 18 years or older.

When I marched into The Brace Place in September 2007, I was 21, recently graduated from college, and had three months left to suck the teat on my parent's health insurance as a "dependant". I was hesitant about this whole tinsel teeth thing but I was also cheap, and realized if I was ever going to do this, now was the time.

Turns out the choices available to adults who choose to straighten their smile have come a long way, even from a few years ago. There are now ceramic braces (less visible then metal braces), Invisalign® braces (which use a series of invisible and removable aligners that no one can tell you're wearing), and iBraces (custom made braces placed behind your teeth). You can even choose to wear your bling in your mouth and opt for gold braces! Just think of the money you'll save on jewelry.

In the end I decided to go like my ancestors before me and opt for the traditional metal braces. Not only did this option best fit into my price range, but it also gave me the opportunity to add different colour elastics to my teeth each month to customize my smile. Red and white for Canada Day anyone? Perhaps green and yellow for spring! Ah, but maybe nix the yellow - that could backfire by making me look as if I just haven't brushed for a loooooong while…

In January, after all the decisions and new space in my mouth had been made, I sat in the orthodontist's chair as they put a big plastic holder-opener thingy (technical term of course) in my mouth and applied the new accessory that will accompany me everywhere during the next two years of my life. As they went about their business I tried to draw inspiration by thinking of famous people who had donned braces. There was Tom Cruise (obviously) and I think I had heard Whoopie Goldberg wore braces when she was an adult PLUS ended up dating her orthodontist. I looked up at my orthodontist. I don't think I would ever feel comfortable dating anyone who meticulously examined my mouth from this angle on a monthly basis.

Forty-five slightly uncomfortable but painless minutes later, plus ten minutes of an early 90s movie cautioning me not to eat jube jubes or gum, and I was free (well, until next month). As the office had warned me I did experience some discomfort for the next few days while my teeth adjusted, but note it's a regular feeling when one gets their wires tightened and is nothing a little milkshake or smoothie therapy won't fix.

The first time I looked in the mirror at myself as a brace face, I was shocked. Not only were my "accessories" much less noticeable then I imagined, but I swear my teeth were starting to look straighter already. I was never overly self-conscious about my smile, but braces have given me that extra boost of confidence to really feel comfortable putting my pearly whites on display. Let me just say I don't think anyone should feel they need straight teeth to be considered attractive, beauty comes in all shapes and sizes - and that includes diverse kissers. But, if braces are something you want to do for YOU, rest assured you can still be that sexy, smoldering goddess woman you were without them – because sweetheart, that's totally something that radiates from the inside out.

The time has come to be chique with our snaggleteeth! Beautiful with our brace face! Rock out with our metal mouths!

So, what's on your teeth this spring?