by Olga Barsky

1. Maxine X Rox.
Give the newlywed the gift of squirting – comes with steamy video and glass pleasure wand, because God knows she ain’t getting enough from Spencer Pratt.
Intimate Expressions at 308 Dundas Street West.
$75.00

2. LipFusion BlingFusion After Hours. Lets give Heidi’s lips a rest from all the pokes and prods this holiday season with some plump that last up to 24 hours.
Sephora, 131 Bloor St. West or Eaton Centre
$49.00

3. MAC Strobe Cream
Because Heidi’s no stranger to cheesy photo-ops. The strobe cream is loaded with vitamins, antioxidants, and contains iridescent particles for the ultimate photo-finish skin.
MAC – @ The Bay or Uptown at 89 Bloor St West, Downtown at 363 Queen St. W
$38.00

4. Rush Hour
This challenging game will is bound to keep Spencer busy and thus prevent any more fuckery at Heidi’s work place.
Mastermind Toys, Yonge St
$19.95

5. Mrs. Potato Head.
Give Heidi a gift she’ll really appreciate – a sculpture in her likeness.
Toys’R’Us, 900 Dufferin or 3200 Yonge St
$5.95

6. Coach ¼” Star Bangle.
Heidi loves Chanel, but it’s just too freaking expensive in this economic uncertainty. So, we decided to go for Coach instead which we like to think of as the poor man’s Chanel…only the poor man has a swimming pool in his 5-bedroom home.
Coach, 131 Bloor St. West, Eaton Centre, YorkdaleFind your purse too: www.coach.com
$78.00

7.Disney Hannah Montana CD-G Karaoke.
To make sure Heidi knows what she REALLY sounds like.Best Buy.
$89.99

8.Palmer’s Cocoa Butter
Nothing says California girl like smooth moist skin with a scent of coconut. Hiding marks and scars, this is the ultimate economical way to present a flawless front.
At your local drugstore.
$5.99

9. The Dance of Anger
A woman’s guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships, i.e. bible for how to deal with assholes and bedside book for all women dealing with marital issues.
Indigo
$14.99

10. Lauren Conrad ‘Monique’ Shirt
This is the perfect sparkly garment for holiday hissy fits, and a reminder that your fame will always pale in comparison to arch enemy LC.
www.laurenconrad.com
$76.99

11. Maxiccino
A cozy drink while home for the holidays in Colorado. Flavours include Moccha Escape, Hazlenut Fantasy and Vanilla Obsession.
$3.99 – at your local grocer.

12. Just In Case Bling Condom Compact
The Just In Case Condom Compact appears to be a regular makeup compact… but just flip up the false bottom, and the real contents are revealed. These condom compacts are the perfect gift for anyone who wants to practice discreet safe sex in style! Here’s hoping Heidi dumps Spencer in 2009 and instead nails her hot ex-boss at Bolthouse. FUCK YEAH! And ooh la la – with genuine Swarovski Crystals.
Come As You Are www.comeasyouare.com 701 Queen St. West
$195.00

13. And a partridge in a pear tree. PRICELESS!