I’m the type of person who believes that everything happens for a reason and “there’s gotta be a lesson in there,” no matter how shitty the circumstances, and “yes, I will give you the benefit of the doubt,” no matter how shitty the person. My articles for the last couple of weeks can attest to that. But as much as I am all about evolving and self-discovery, sometimes I just have to BITCH SHIT OUT. (And, actually, it’s a scientific fact that swearing is good for you, soooo…)

The following is my bitch list. The stuff that no amount of chanting/smudging/voodoo-doll-stabbing can help. Indulge me.

Nick on The Bachelorette—Why are you SO ANNOYING?! You made the After the Final Rose live show all ABOUT YOU! I know you got your needy, dweeby heart broken, but I could have done without the shots of you on a dock pondering your existence. And calling out Andi for sleeping—sorry, “making love”—with you, but  ultimately not picking you? Not cool, man. You look like you’re a serial killer mug shot waiting to happen and you are such an idiot that it hurts my body.

Pimples—I don’t care how cool I am about being over 30, adult acne sucks ass. Adult acne, maybe I could accept you if the other shitty stuff about adolescence had dissipated by now—i.e. cliques, mean girls, guys who just want to “hang out”—but they’re still fucking things up so I HATE YOU, YOU MAKE ME FEEL MISERABLE, and no, concealer doesn’t help because I know you’re still there. YOU’RE ALWAYS THERE!

Person-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named Who Didn’t Keep His Word—I know you’re a busy “man” (more like “man-boy,” but let’s not get into THAT). And I’m sure you weren’t impressed when I pointed out some shitty behavioural patterns of yours, BUT you did say you would do the thing that you were going to do, and you know that it’s the right thing to do—so just FUCKING DO IT! Be a man of your word. Have some goddamn integrity, and, maybe for the first time in your life, have some FUCKING FOLLOW-THROUGH.

Justin Bieber—WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU CAN’T EVEN HAVE A REAL BAR BRAWL! I HATE THAT YOU’RE CANADIAN! WHY DO YOU HAVE UGLY TATTOOS? PLEASE GO TO TIBET AND FIND YOURSELF (OR DISAPPEAR FOREVER).

Knee Hair—Why must you taunt me?! No matter how close I think I get to the skin with my razor, no matter how many uncomfortable, yogi- styles I must bend my body in, dry shaving, wet shaving, there you remain, shining in the sun like tall weeds on an otherwise smooth, manicured lawn. FUCK YOU, KNEE HAIR.

People/Companies Who Pay Artists in “Exposure,” Not Money  (Also, Clients/Companies Who Don’t Pay Out Promised Monies) —How dare you not value people’s talent and time? There’s expecting people to pay their dues and then there’s just being really fucking cheap. Imagine getting a manicure and saying, “I’ll pay for it in exposure!” Or telling that to the mechanic who just changed your tires. No one does that because it’s not right. Everyone’s contribution to the world/society/your company should be compensated. Period. We all have intrinsic worth and WE SHOULD GET FUCKING PAID!

Exercise—The bane of my existence. You. Just. Fucking. SUCK BALLS!

Okay, that feels better.