Dear Jennifer,
I have a big mouth. Sometimes I say things without thinking about the consequences of my words. They just come out of my mouth.
Sometimes my words hurt people even though I didn’t mean to. I speak the truth, but people don’t seem to be able to handle it. I think I might lack tact. It’s just hard to know when to say something and when not to say it.
Because of this, people don’t seem to trust me at work. They seem to be scared of what I will say, do, or if I will keep their secrets or not. Last time a co-worker left in my department, I was the last one to know and it really hurt me. She told my supervisor I was a sweet girl and all, but didn’t want to tell me. I learned it from someone else.
I tried thinking before speaking, but I just don’t know what is right to say and what isn’t.
Should I just shut up and have boring conversations just to avoid hurting anyone else?
-Big Mouth Girl

Dear Big Mouth Girl,

First off, congrats on the awareness… you are aware of something that is going on. Once we are aware, we are able to take the next step. We can’t heal parts of ourselves until we can see them clearly. I am hearing a few different things here: 1) Developing tact 2) When to Speak Truth 3) What to Say or Not To say.

Here are some ways that will help you develop your communication style in a way that feels right to you.

Step back and take a breath before you speak. Ask yourself if what you are going to say is helpful or harmful and whether or not you are speaking your truth. Becoming conscious of our words and how they leave us and others feeling is a very important part of the process. Sometimes things come out of our mouths so automatically that we don’t even realize what we are saying. Begin to observe yourself and the way you communicate. Notice how you feel after different interactions and things you say. Once you are aware of how these behaviours leave you feeling and you are more conscious of the words you are speaking, you can consciously choose another way or say what you want to say in a way that will leave you feeling more empowered and confident. Our communication style is ever evolving and growing and we often learn by trial and error.

Secondly, begin to notice what your intention is for what you are saying. Is this Big Mouth Stuff about gossiping or is it about being direct and honest and speaking your truth? If it is about gossiping, now that you are aware of it, you are able to choose a different behaviour. I used to gossip a lot, it filled my need for connecting with people – it gave me instant gratification. Then I would go home and beat myself up about it because it didn’t feel good and certainly wasn’t in alignment with my integrity. Once I stopped beating myself up and recognized the behaviour, how it made me feel and what need I was meeting by doing it, I began to change it slowly and found other ways of connecting with people and meeting my needs.

There is no right or wrong way to say something. The consequences help us determine what feels right to us. The best way to know is to ask yourself if you are speaking your truth. I remember a teacher said to me once, you can’t attach yourself to how people are going to react – that is their business and no matter how hard you try and word something in the “perfect” way people are still going to take it the way they will because of their own life experience and how they interpret and give meaning to things. If what you are saying is your truth and coming from your heart you can never go wrong.

One last thing … The Big Mouth part of you is one of your gifts. Likely you are direct, honest and to the point which can be extremely refreshing in this day and age where many of us are taught to sugar coat our words. However, there does need to be a balance. Don’t make this part of you wrong. Look at its gifts and begin by learning to harness it’s power. It appears to be acting out – what attention is this Big Mouth part of you seeking? Connect with it and ask it and begin togive it this attention it needs in a healthy way.

Thanks for your honesty and for speaking from you heart in this letter.

Sending you lots of love,
Jenn