Guilty Pleasures Reviews

by Lizzie
Well this episode may have successfully deterred a generation of males from ever becoming teachers. Snake is declared “officially not a pedophile” by the school board, but whispers of perv linger in the air when he returns. One thing leads to another and soon he’s sprawled on the couch, cocooned in a blanket, drinking scotch, covered in mustard and being licked by a dog. Meanwhile, Holly J exchanges tutoring help with Toby. He helps her in math, she helps him in Dance Dance Revolution. That’s actually a component of gym? What ever happened to units on dodge ball and the female condom (question, has anyone actually seen one of those outside of grade ten health?) ?

Best Dressed: The tartan vests that Anya and Holly J. wore were most fetching, even if they exasperated my issue of still being unable to tell them apart.

Worst Dressed: Snake all covered in mustard stains.

Awesome quote: “What has two thumbs and is officially not a pedophile . . . this guy!” Cheers ensue. Really, is this a comment to cheer about?

Weirdest Moment that Demands comment: When Manny signs the “We miss you Snake” card twice: once as Manny Santos and once as Mrs. Jay Hogart. The whole we’re getting married thing is starting to scare me. Will Manny be my first friend to get married? Admittedly, we’ve never met before, but I can just tell we’d be bosom buddies.

by Lizzie
I’ve never considered myself a heinous bitch before, but I’m baffled that those sleighted / deceived / betrayed on Degrassi this week forgave those who fouled them. Ok, so Darcy forgiving Jane after she spills the beans about Peter having bad breath wasn’t that mind-blowing, but Griffin forgiving Paige after she implies that his HIV was caused by lifestyle choices when actually he was born with it was a little surprising. And I was positively floored that Paige forgave Griffin after he, oops, forgets to tell her that he’s HIV Positive before sleeping with her. I can hardly forgive a guy if he sneezes on me unexpectedly, let alone if he risks infecting me with a fatal virus. Should I respect Paige for turning the other cheek, or should that cheek have some sense slapped into it?

Best Style: Ellie and Marco manage to look adorable in painter hats. I didn’t think it was possible to work that look, but apparently Degrassi is a world where the impossible happens.

Worst Style: A pet peeve of mine is strategic messiness on television; the kind where it’s so clear the actors didn’t mess themselves up, but that makeup artists dabbed a wad of dirt with ‘just so’ precision on their faces. After painting Paige’s bedroom truffle mint, Marco, Ellie, Griffin and Paige all have paint on them: a line highlighting the cheekbones here, a perfect handprint on the backside there. Argh.

Weird Moment that Demands Comment: Griffin’s mad trading spaces like redecorating skills. Paige leaves her one wall painted mess of a room in the morning and returns to a House & Home worthy boudoir in the evening. Sweet! Maybe that’s why she forgave him.

Best Quote: “I think yours is the bigger faux pas here.” Paige ‘snoops in Griffin’s drawer’ Michaelchuck to Griffin ‘doesn’t tell Paige he’s HIV Positive before having sex with her’ Pierce-Taylor.

Degrassi Count: HIV positive characters – 2, Dwayne and Griffin

I could never to lie to you SDTC readers, and so the truth must finally come out. I, Olga Barsky, former Hills fanatic to the max, lost my groove.  After soaking in countless pics of the cast in rag mags, seeing firsthand the complete sack of shit that is Lauren’s fashion line, and worrying about Heidi’s face melting off…I just couldn’t deal with it all.  I needed time away. Time to recharge. Time to watch scripted television with actors who have paid their dues. I did.  And now I can now proudly announce that that this Stella has gotten her groove back.

I couldn’t wait to sink my teeth into this week’s episode of The Hills, and what an episode it was!

The drama begins when Heidi drops into Audrina’s “workplace” for lunch, proving that a) if you want an itch to go away you’ve got to use special ointment and b) Audrina can’t say “NO” to save her life.  The girls have lunch together as an overjoyed Heidi remembers what its like to have friends who don’t paint graffiti murals in shared living quarters without asking first.

Meanwhile, Lauren amicably leaves (gets fired) from Teen Vogue and weasels her way into People’s Revolution as Whitney’s assistant.  Mikey the Pussycat Dolls sassy choreographer (love him!) makes an appearance in the episode; perhaps he choreographs fashion shows too?

Back at She Pratt’s pad, Spencer gives his sis the third degree about S Bar.  He’s not too happy with Girls Night and is clearly insecure about Heidi’s frequent nightly outings.  To make matters worse, he later shows up at the club, downs shots with some ladies, and goes on to get into a stupid argument with Heidi about their “relationship vacation.” It feels like the whole situation has been lifted straight from the Ross and Rachel “break” saga. Only in this case, Heidi’s the one being unreasonable.

Shortly after comes the best line in the entire show (at least this season) when Whitney and Lauren’s boss Kelly yells out “I want you to push like a mother hen” in relation to hording models to the runway.  The duo performs well and impresses Kelly yet again while Spencer and Heidi continue fighting for the cameras, and licking each other’s assholes during off hours.

Till next week!

by Lizzie
Curly haired best friends like a curly haired girl, but said curly haired girl only likes curly haired best friend #1. Sorry to dwell on their tresses, but it struck me as odd that Rachel, Danny (best friend #1) and Derek all have the exact same hair texture, if in different colours – distractably odd. Is it a coincidence that David Eggers – Damian’s favourite author, namesake of Emma’s dog and frequent allusion in sub-plot – also tends to sport a burgeoning fro? I declare this episode a curly haired conspiracy!

Weirdest moment that demands comment: After working with them for a project, and sucking Danny’s neck like a barnacle, Rachel still can’t get Derek and Danny’s names straight. Is Degrassi’s first threesome on the horizon?

Best Style: We just caught the slightest glimpse of Spike’s silky red Asian blouse, but it was hip. Almost makes me wish that I had become pregnant when I was fourteen too, if only so that my teenage daughter would envy my still hip thirty-something wardrobe. Almost being the operative word in the previous sentence.

Worst Style: When Danny wears a dickey to cover up his hickey. Take note boys, when faced with this situation, do not resort to a dickey. Try a PLO Scarf (I think we all know those hipsters aren’t wearing them for the political statement), or a hand knit scarf (girls will interpret this as you being a loving son, and hence a loving boyfriend).

Best Quote: We just catch the tail end of Johnny DeMarco’s video project: “And that’s how separating recycling will save the world.” I’ve never felt better about ensuring that those little plastic windows are ripped out of envelopes before putting them in the gray bin.

by Lizzie
Degrassi’s standard stark realism took a goofy Saved by the Bell like turn this week, with Jay rescuing Manny from her screwed up audition by wooing the prof in charge of admissions with foot massages and tango dancing. Whoa, that’s not the Degrassi I know. Shouldn’t Manny’s failure have provoked her to start doing heroin or something? Even the Darcy rape subplot seems to have been cheerily concluded with triumph on a high ropes course. I feel slightly cheated that there was no conflict weary face frozen for the end frame. What is this, Hannah Montana?

Weirdest Moment that Demands Comment: Ashley is going on tour with Craig. That came out of nowhere. They haven’t dated since Season Four, when she took off to England, then broke up with him in an e-mail. Is heartless use of technology what it takes to be someone’s muse?

Best Style: Though Manny arrived at her drama school audition unprepared, she was dressed to kill (that’s what matters right?): black stilettos with a loose fitting black shirt and leggings paired with a turquoise cuff. Bonus points for looking super hot when she dumped Jay, for the second time. Don’t you wish you looked that good for breakups, rather than having red teary eyes and a snot all over your sleeves?

Worst Style: There’s something uniquely annoying about a girl flirting by playfully stealing a guy’s baseball cap. Reason 1. Guys who wear baseball caps in bars are either lame or misguided Americans. Reason 2. He’s your boyfriend, do you really need to concoct a strategy to touch him? Accordingly, Manny wins worst style for when she dons Jay’s hat.

Amazing Quote: “He is lord of the tango.” Professor in charge of auditioning of Jay after he woos her. I totally sympathize with the Prof on this one; I’m sure I’d fall for a tango lord too. Same goes for Lords of the Breakdance, Lords of the Twist and Shout and Lords of the Bump and Grind.

It's a road trip episode, and you know what that means: gratuitous scenes of hand surfing, tunes blasting, and ridiculously coincidental circumstances serving as a Snakes and Ladders game for the plot. Oh, how I love TV, so pleasingly predictable. Gave me a craving for that Bev Hills’ episode where Brandon saves Dylan from slipping off a cliff.

To summarize, Manny, Emma and Liberty are checking out Smithdale College, Jimmy, Spinner and Ashley are attending a concert in the same town and Jay’s trying to win Manny back. Left out of the fun are Darcy and Peter. They’re attending Red Pine, a program much like those boot camps to which Jerry Springer sends troubled teens. Air horns and megaphones are used in abundance.

Weirdest Moment That Demands Comment: When the girls arrive at the sorority where they’re bunking, apparently they’re just in time for the Annual Etiquette Social, which appears to be an occasion where M&Ms are eaten amongst cocky frat boys who dress like dads. Do such events actually exist? Sororities remain such an intriguingly foreign concept to me that I actually believe they might host such an affair and would kind of like to attend if only as an anthropological research project.

Best Style: Manny’s yellow short sleeved sweater. Her tan skin suits this season’s colour.

Worst Style: The red tracksuits that Darcy (a.k.a. Phoenix) and Peter (a.k.a. Viking) must wear for the Red Pine week (a.k.a. bizarre camping jail that insists everyone selects a new name).

Amazing Quote: “Why don’t we keep things anonymous. I mean, hey, listen I know girls. First it’s names, then I have to meet your parents, then the next thing I know I’ve got a ring on my finger.” Guy demonstrating very poor etiquette as he preps for the annual etiquette social.

Degrassi Road Trips: The School’s Out disaster field trip to the cottage that ended up in a child dying, Lucy going blind, Wheels going to jail and Caitlin dumping Joey for “fucking Tessa Campanelli”. Also, that episode where Wheels hitchhikes in search of his birth parents and ends up being approached by a pedophile. Let’s hope part 2 of Bust a Move is, how shall we say, a bit peppier than the old generation road trip examples.

The Hills are back and more nauseating than ever.  This time around, the reality behind the ‘reality’ took center stage, drumming up some series publicity for the show’s premiere.

To start things off, much to our amusement and mild girl boners, last week we were treated to topless photos of a young and naïve Audrina…not much has changed. 

As countdown to the third season of our favourite guilty pleasure raged on, US Weekly ran a cover story with headline “Betrayed by Brody and Audrina: How I Was Stabbed in the Back.” 

Tail tucked between her legs, Lauren took to the blogs singing Brody and Audrina’s praises, and bashing the US story.  Way to bite the hand that feeds you!  After some words with father/manager (because the world needs more of these types) Lauren changed her tune and sucked some major US Weekly cock in an effort to redeem herself - it worked. 

Next in line was an interview with Wall Street Journal where LC was quoted as saying “I’m sure a lot of people don’t take me seriously,” and then proving why we’ve got it right.  The less than flattering piece chronicled her first ever fashion show, overuse of the word ‘cute,’ and sure signs of I-know-best syndrome, which often infects young privileged assholes.  What I found most appalling, however, was her inability to correctly spell ‘beret’ – curious considering her entire season is based around Parisian fashion. 

Last but not least, the cherry on top of my virgin Shirley Temple - Spencer and Heidi photo-ops.  From frolicking on the beach to holding hands under the stars, and going Easter egg hunting with matching bunny ear headbands – Heidi’s breasts have paid for themselves many times over by this point.  And who could forget - Heidi’s now embarking on a singing career, and Spencer (her manager) has been releasing her music videos online.  

(You may throw up in your mouth, but it’s totally worth it – promise!) 

Now for the actual premiere Monday night, it definitely did not disappoint! 

The episode begins as Lauren fills us in on Heidi’s troubled love life (via voice over), and then goes one to gush about her long-awaited trip to Paris.  Lucky bitch. 

Meanwhile, Heidi’s kicking it in Colorado, spending some time with the parents, and letting her abnormally large head air out Spencer’s funk.  She’s had her lips plumped, but there’s been more work done. Something’s different; her face is longer and more angular.  Is it just me? 

Back in LA Spencer gets a visit from his shoplifting sister, and they discuss the Heidi ‘situation.’ The sis suggests Spencer make a list of everything he did with Heidi and do the exact opposite.  BAH! Ok – I’ll give props where props are due! 

Lauren and Whitney arrive in Paris, and are on their way to style a photoshoot.  Halfway through, Lauren gets a call from Audrina, who informs her that Brody has acquired a new girlfriend (over the last two days!). 

Lauren does not take the news well, but luckily for her, gal pal of my dreams Whitney is there to lend a kind word, “I’m sure Paris is full of guys that are cooler than Brody.” Hells yeah! I’m sure any trailer park in middle America is full of guys that cooler than Brody. 

No episode of The Hills would be complete without Lauren trying to hook up with male specimen. And so, LC and Whit make plans to hang with a band they’d met in LA with most original name ever – Rock & Roll.  Lauren scours a sea of discount jersey dresses (from her self-titled line presumably), but can’t find anything appropriate to wear.  In an effort to demonstrate her designer chops, she ‘alters’ a gorgeous borrowed Alberta Ferretti gown.  (By ‘altering’ I mean raising the hem of her couture dress with a dollar store sewing kit).  Whitney does not approve. 

The group date goes well, and the gang moves their party over to the Eiffel Tower where they take turns declaring their love for the city.  One boy is especially enamored with Lauren. 

Back in Colorado, Heidi has dinner with her family and Spencer who has shown up unexpectedly to apologize.  Heidi makes a toast to her parents and spends the rest of the evening ignoring the sketchbag and looking miserable.  

Back in their hotel room, the girls get ready for a major ‘work’ function – they’re helping out at an uber-fancy debutante ball.  Suddenly, Lauren discovers that she’s burned her mega expensive Ferretti gown with a curling iron (you fool) and bursts into tears.  A little basting stitch doesn’t seem so bad now does it Whitney? Luckily for Lauren, the situation diffuses very quickly, and burnt gown is replaced by a white beautifully draped Grecian-inspired dress. 

Unfortunately, Audrina’s hills get no screen time this episode, instead we are taken back to more Heidi and Spencer awkwardness, where our teary-eyed popstar-in-training tells Spencer to move out.  She needs time to figure things out, blah, blah… The breakup would have a lot more impact if we hadn’t just seen them eating each other’s faces on TMZ. 

The debutante ball ends, and Lauren is whisked away by her new friend.  He arrives looking all James Dean, cigarette in hand (usually not sexy, but in this case…), sitting atop a Vespa wearing a bomber jacket – HOT.  

Back at the function, Whitney shares her dissatisfaction with work with a fellow Teen Voguer…could a storm be brewing?  Perez Hilton warned us about this! The girls were allegedly fired from the teen publication, however, at the risk of loosing credibility, struck a deal to make it look like they left on their own accord.  And on that note – aren’t you glad The Hills is back??? 

Till next week! 

by Lizzie
Darcy follows in the illustrious footsteps of Britney Spears this week when she makes the international sign for, “I desperately need help”: spontaneously chopping off hair. Albeit it was like six inches and blended seamlessly into her shampoo commercial worthy layers. Nevertheless, I am concerned. Too bad, when Snake tries to help her, she turns around and accuses him of flirting. Eek. Messy. Meanwhile, Jimmy breaks up with Ashley (we all saw that one coming). She has the gall to play the victim, even though she was the one who erased Jimmy from their demo. Good riddance. Onto PT Cruiser driving Trina.

Weirdest Moment that Demands Comment: I know I shouldn’t laugh because it testified to Darcy’s emotional damage, but that vulgar breasted serpent doodle that she concocted was beyond disturbing. It resembled that weird snake being that Madam Mim turns into in Disney’s The Sword in the Stone, definitely a major source of childhood nightmares.

Best Style: I like Darcy’s side ponytail. It’s the style I used to give to all my Barbie’s. Too bad I’m in my mid-twenties and can't possibly pull it off.

Worst Style: Plots that involve the Lakehurst guys deprive this category of any interest.

Amazing Quote:
“You know Trina from Physio, I think I like her a lot” -Jimmy
“So go for it.” - Spinner
“Yeah, but what about Ash” – Jimmy
“So don’t go for it.” – Spinner
“Thank you. So helpful.” – Jimmy
I love how Spinner didn’t succumb to the over-analytical bait.

Degrassi Count:
Suicidal behaviour: 2 in old class, Stephanie Kaye fantasizing about jumping from the Bloor Viaduct and Claude shooting himself in the bathroom
4 in new class, Ellie cutting herself, Craig jumping in front of trains, J.T. overdosing on pills and Darcy slitting her wrists in the bathroom and hovering at the roof

Never send your child to Degrassi.

by Lizzie
How long have I been waiting for this episode? Marco cruises the clubs and our first premature marriage proposal. Sweet. But why must the gay club be the campus pub, awkwardly madeover with a couple of go go dancing studs? And does anyone else think that the depiction of Marco getting dragged into male prostitution is going to send a skewed vision of gay culture to middle American teenie boppers? Speaking of middle America, teens Jay and Manny get engaged. It's faux (a way to get her strict parents off her back), but I think we can all predict that a classic romcom twist will result in an eventual hitch. Wheeeee.

Weirdest Moment That Demands Comment: When Jay strategically runs into Manny in front of the school she's toting what some guy in the props department (who presumably never took chemistry beyond grade nine) thought might resemble a science fair project: a water cooler jug with rubber coils glued all over it. Is she studying science or Dadaism?

Best Fashion: Marco's 'WWII American solider on leave at a pub in England' getup was most fetching. Much better than the muscle tee wearing, rainbow chain clad overly stereotyped gay guys at the Campus Cabaret.

Worst Style: The hair on the slick male prostitue Devon was very Brian Orser circa Calary winter olympics 1988 i.e. not attractive.

Amazing Quote: “Jazz can be . . . (prolonged pause) . . . righteous.” Ellie trying to think of some way to put a positive spin on Marco's love interest enjoying jazz, but failing.

by Olga Barsky
The episode begins with my favourite model voted off. I never took the time to learn her name as I knew early on our love affair would be brief, call if women’s intuition if you will. She was leggy and tanned, with wide set-apart eyes and long blonde hair. You will me missed you no-name minx.

Designers go off on another Tim-led field trip, and find themselves on an unfamiliar floor in their building. The doors are closed, and strange sounds fill the hallways. To me, it sounds like children playing on a playground, while Christian fears the worst – the moans and groans of hetero sex.

After much anticipation, designers are led inside to discover…a group of super toned WWE Divas in skimpy outfits…HOT. As you may have guessed, the week’s challenge is to design outfits for the Divas to wear in the ring. FUN!

Many designers struggle with the campy nature of the challenge, while Chris couldn’t be more in his element. Like a kid in a sandbox, he giddily plays with leopard print, lace, and sequins, loving every moment.

Sweet P has the most trouble as she struggles to find the middle ground between her simple yet chic sensibilities and her client’s love of all things tacky. She ends up with a metallic bathing suit, and skimpy shapeless feather trimmed cape which serves no particular purpose.

The episode goes by too fast, and before I know it, designers are on the runway, ready to have their work scrutinized by the usual suspects, and guest judges Heatherette’s Richie Rich and Traver Rains.

Jill delivers in a second runner-up sort of way. Her outfit, a blue racer-style shiny top and booty shorts, is well executed but is more ‘wow’ than ‘WOW’ (if you know what I mean…)!

Rami fails miserably with a frilly pink “hot mess” of a bikini, which does nothing for his Diva and nearly gets him “auf’d.”

Christian the wunderkind DELIVERS…again. I’m beginning to think his Chris-sized ego is almost justified at this point. This guy knows how to ‘WOW’ and a half, sending down a sexy as hell lace number worthy of the porn star version of Shania Twain.

Ricky ultimately looses the challenge with an orange bikini fit more for J.Lo sunbathing on a yacht circa Bennifer than a costume for a WWE Queen. Leopard-loving Chris wins the challenge.

And then there were five…